‘Tis several weeks beyond Christmas when you realize
You forgot it completely—doggone it, time flies!
The missed calls and texts, the gifts at your door
Now it all makes sense, what they were all for
How did you become Catherine O’Hara screaming “Kevin!”?
Ah, yes! A five-day binge of Gilmore seasons one through seven
Started on the twenty-third, Christmas was easily passed
And by Rory’s bon voyage, New Year’s Eve was full blast
Could have happened to anyone (possibly malaise was a cause)
Damn that snippy dialogue making it impossible to pause!
In your defense, the delay might have been even worse
If not for rightfully being A Year in the Life averse
No matter, now is the time to correct your aberration
A good cover-up’s needed—that’ll be your salvation
You did not forget Christmas, oh no, that’s not you
You were simply “struck down by a nasty bout of the ‘flu'”
With the alibi set, still need to drive it all home
For based on missed messages, read back, there’s quite a lot to atone
Your mom’s text displayed worry, dad’s voicemail was cross
You may have missed Christmas, but at least their presents weren’t lost!
Except you never bought gifts (maybe it’s more than malaise)
But you can still benefit from post-holiday discounts for days
Is it enough, though, to buy grandma a marked-down sweater?
She’d love it, sure, but you can cover your tracks better
An Antonio Brown jersey—“From me, Granny, to you”
“Didn’t he quit?” “Not when it was bought on 12/22”
What do we have for Uncle Roy, the TV lover?
A ‘Betty White Turns Me On' novelty light switch cover!
“She just died! Boy, this isn’t funny!”
“It was a month ago when I bought it with money”
This just might work! This could cover your tracks!
See, you didn’t forget Christmas—yo, family, relax!
For your sis, pale as snow, but an avid trip planner
She can jump-start her next vacay with some Danny Self-Tanner
And for dear old dad, who thinks college football is splendid
A pair of tix to the championship—oh, shoot, the game ended!
A Borat shirt for your cousin—“Amidst the protests? Jesus Christ!”
“But when I bought it, Kazakhstan was still very nice!”
For your mom, bless her soul, she deserves something finer
Than a discounted trinket—a replica mug from Luke’s Diner!
Sour eggnog! Sour gravy! Sour dips you put chips in!
Old fruit cake! Old Pudding! Old turkey and fixin's!
I guess Gramps didn’t win December 29th’s Powerball
No cash today, cash astray, no cash for him at all!
“Don’t bother, dear, Christmas is over”—but you wanna
Gather the whole family together, and see them mañana
For tomorrow’s the day you make a missed Christmas right
Until then you shall rest—it’s an Emily in Paris kind of night.