Dear Jillian,

At TD Bank, we’re proud to serve all of our customers equally. And since June is pride month, we’re even more proud to remind LGBTQ+ clients, such as yourself, exactly how much you owe.

Werq! (Please fill out a brief survey below to let us know if we used that right.)

Obviously, we support gay people here at TD Bank. Every June, we update our logo to include the pride flag, yet some of our customers have complained that just changing the logo is not enough. We hear you. That’s why this year, we’re channeling pride into everything that we do: we’re issuing glitter fraud notices, sending yassified low balance alerts, and as is the case in this letter, writing queer-friendly fee reminders. Stonewall!

If you’ll remember, you incurred over $150 in overdraft fees last month. We sent you multiple notices, both in the mail and online. As your fees have nearly doubled in June, we’re hoping you’ll respond if we use terms you might understand: Queen, it’s time to pay up.

We don’t want to shame you, especially during a month as joyous as Pride. We celebrate all our bankers, bankettes, and bank-theys. We merely want to say, as the icon and legend Rihanna would, “b*tch… you better have our money!”

For clarity’s sake, we don’t mean that as a threat. It’s a timely reference that marketing has assured us our queer clientele would appreciate.

If you did appreciate it, please pay off your fees immediately. If you didn’t, please pay regardless, as you’ll start to incur more late fees if you miss another deadline. Okurrr? (Thanks to our intern Tyler for helping us figure out how to spell that one.)

It is our great honor to remind you of what you owe this month, gay Jillian. Is it cool if we call you that? At TD Bank, we know how important financial stability is for a community that’s constantly under attack. Even in 2022, queer folk’s rights continue to be stripped away. Vocal minorities continue to influence people in power. And just existing in public continues to feel dangerous. All of these things are frightening to us at TD Bank. We want to be an ally in the fight for social justice. That’s why, in the summer of 2020, we stopped investing in private prisons after thousands of people begged us to. Imagine a business that does actual good for the world. Isn’t that a business you’d want to give money to? Because again, you owe upwards of $500.

That’s right, in addition to the overdraft fees you’ve incurred, your credit card bill is due in a few short days. According to your spending, you’ve been living life. That’s wonderful! Eight margaritas at a drag brunch, seven rainbow milkshakes at 2 AM on a Tuesday, three bottles of nail polish remover, which we assume are for huffing. It’s giving “out and about,” bestie! (Reminder to fill out the survey on our usage of such phrases.) We would hate to see you miss another payment, which is why we’re reminding you about these bills now, “hunty.”

We hope you continue to slay this pride. Remember that every gay purchase you make is giving queer cashback rewards into your nonbinary pocket. However, if you do not pay your bills by the end of the month, we will have to take legal action. Please don’t put us in a position to force you to sashay away.

From all of us here at TD Bank, happy pride. Stay safe and sunscreened out there and don’t forget to check out our tent in the West Village during the NYC parade. We’ll have rainbow pens that sometimes work, or as you folks say “go off!”