“The Food and Drug Administration has stopped routine food safety inspections of seafood, fruits, vegetables and many other foods at high risk of contamination because of the federal government’s shutdown, Dr. Scott Gottlieb, the agency’s commissioner, said on Wednesday.”

New York Times, January 9, 2019

 

That’s right, folks! For a limited time only, the Trump Organization is proud to announce the convenient return of Trump Steaks!

Turns out when the FDA’s away, Grade C meat can be put on display!

Our entire backlog of Trump brand meat can finally be liquidated in the United States and nobody’s around to stop it! There’s never been a better time to get your hands on our signature cuts of Flank, lower case T-Bone, Z-Bone, Subprime, Sphincter, Roadkill, and, of course, Okja. Every single ounce teeming with genetically modified organisms so dangerously flavorful that even Monsanto refused to use them.

You’ll go as mad for Trump Steaks as the discounted cows we slaughtered!

We’ve been aging every piece of Trump meat in our signature, room temperature CubeSmart storage locker ever since we first discontinued the brand in 2007. Now, thanks to a complete absence of government-funded oversight, we saw a window to break into the locker and unload our 12-plus-year-old leftover meats on true Americans.

Every slab of Trump Steak meat was hastily selected during the Bush administration by Eric and Don Jr., at the finest, and only, horsemeat emporium in Shengyou, China. Each piece was then illegally shipped to America in the false bottom of a box of Ivanka-brand jewelry to sneak it past customs. Hopefully, this preemptively explains any chunks of cubic zirconia you may find in your meat.

Move fast and be sure to take advantage of the Trump Steaks FDA Shutdown Special. Customers who sign a tainted meat waiver absolving the Trump Organization of all liability for foodborne illnesses name their own price! Seriously, every dollar helps us recoup the massive losses we made on these products over a decade ago.

Not to mention our steaks are easier to find than ever before. We’ve launched pop-up stores in every abandoned National Park ranger station in the continental United States. Don’t live near a National Park? Go to your local airport and tell one of the three TSA agents that didn’t call in sick you’re looking for “confiscated goods.” They’ll know what you’re talking about! Afraid of rubbing shoulders with the illegal immigrants taking over our airports? Just put on your MAGA cap and one of the unmarked white vans we have unemployed FEMA workers driving around the country will find you.

So, what are you waiting for? Get your hands on the meats so tender that even The Sharper Image refused to keep them in stock.

We’re so desperate to get these steaks off our hands and into your stomachs, that even Robert Mueller is starting to get suspicious. These shutdown-exclusive offers are so unbelievable you’ll feel like you’re practically colluding against the Food and Drug Administration!

Trump Steaks are the most spectacular, incredible, unbelievable meats in America and that’s a claim we’d steak your life on.

See new PIC posts via Twitter or Facebook.

Sign up for satire writing or improv classes at The Second City - 10% off with code PIC.