Dogs

Pros: Dogs are lovable, affable, and cuddly. They are always down to do whatever you want to do whether it be play fetch in the park, chew on your favorite shoes, or bark at ghosts at 3:28 AM. Dogs truly are man’s best friend.

Cons: If my best friend ever licked his own asshole on my couch, ate a bunch of grass and then barfed on my carpet, or humped my girlfriend's leg I would be forced to question some life choices. Also “man’s best friend” insinuates that your lovable mutt is a sexist asshole.

Cats

Pros: Not as needy as their canine counterparts, cats can love you when you need it and leave you alone to go hide under a bed when you don’t need them, or when strangers come over, or when you do in fact need them. Then after 13 straight hours of not knowing where the cat is, it will sprint across your bedroom at 3:23 AM, screaming bloody murder, waking up the dog.

Cons: There is a significant possibility that the cat is an employee of Satan. Also, it may lick its own asshole while making direct eye contact with houseguests and then walk up to the one houseguest who has cat allergies and barf a hairball on them. Lastly, when cats feel they will die soon, they wander off into the forest, robbing you of the chance of cooking and eating their bereft-of-life-corpse.

Rabbits

Pros: There are few things on earth cuter than a bunny rabbit chewing on celery. They have those large eyes that look like they have the soul of a drowning Victorian trapped inside them too. Also, they hop instead of walking; adorable.

Cons: Their shit looks an awful lot like my Nesquik cereal and I have mischievous roommates.

Small Fish

Pros: They are angular and elegant looking. Small fish do not require much upkeep or food expenses. They are also quite fun to watch while high. Additionally, in cases of emergency, an average size goldfish can provide 4 grams of protein.

Cons: You have had it 3 hours. The fish is dead.

Large Fish

Pros: If you get a few of the more carnivorous ones you can invite friends over and hold fish fights. Throw in a shark or a squid or a tiger with a spear-gun to really get betting going. Fish fighting is completely legal so long as you do not get dogs, infants, or men named Ahab involved, we checked.

Cons: They are significantly uglier than their small cousins. They have a face like an elderly woman who has been hit in the mouth with a shovel. In addition, large aquariums are very expensive and having a massive aquarium with a 16-kilogram Snowy Grouper in it is fucking weird.

Ferrets

Pros: N/A

Cons: Owning a ferret it the first sign that you have a problem.

Parrot

Pros: You can teach it to say adorable and funny things. It’s a hit with drunk people at your parties. It’s also quite beautiful and smart, but it is mostly cool because it can be taught to say silly things.

Cons: It is 11:32 PM on a Thursday, you are high, and a bird just called you a “cunt.” Allow the existential crisis to begin.

Rat

Pros: Place it on your head and it will teach you to cook. They are also a great, but tiny cuddle buddy. Lastly, while everyone knows putting a dog in your Tinder pictures helps you pick up normal people, rat pictures can be used to pick up slightly odd sexual mates if that is what you’re into.

Cons: it just bit you and you seem to remember something from history class that reminds you why most normal people do not have rats.

Mouse

Pros: Most people buy mice for a very specific reason. You go outside to “play” with the mouse. You bring a net. It is nighttime. An owl swoops down and tries to eat the mouse. Now you have a pet owl and a mouse carcass.

Cons: No cons! Have you seen an owl? They’re dope.

Snake

Pros: When you first get the snake, you can take a picture of you holding it and post it on Instagram with a caption insinuating that your ability to handle this great serpent is in due part to your having a large, serpent-like penis.

Cons: The snake will kill you and you deserve it.

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