Hey, it’s me, the letter D. I heard you referring to the alphabet as “The ABCs”—I really thought this was a childhood phase you would’ve grown out of by now, but I guess I was wrong.

Jealous? Why would I be jealous? All I’m saying is it sounds a little juvenile, like something you’d say if you couldn’t pronounce the word “alphabet” yet. Toddler stuff. I actually thought you were joking at first and I was going to congratulate you on a joke well told.

Don’t misunderstand me—I love A, B, and C. I’m happy for them. It’s literally not that big of a deal. I definitely haven't spent hours stewing over why C was chosen as the cutoff. Who am I to complain? I’m just the first letter not included in that second-rate shorthand that everyone insists on using. Who cares what I think anyway?

I mean, sure, was I a little bit hurt at first? Of course. It never feels good to be left out. But I got over it. Just like how I got over the Oakland Athletics being nicknamed “the A’s” while the Los Angeles Dodgers decided to stick with “the Dodgers.” You swallow the pain and try to move on.

I guess if I had one qualm, it would be that “The ABCs” isn’t even a good name. I don’t really see the draw.

Honestly, why even include the letters of the alphabet in the name at all? Why not name the alphabet “All the Letters” or just keep it simple with “The Alphabet.” I would even be fine with something along the lines of “The A to Zs”—at least that would better encapsulate what we’re talking about.

I’m happy that T, H, and E got to make an appearance in the title, even if it was as part of another word, and not as one of the main characters. But you know who I don’t envy? S—tacked on to ABC like a sad afterthought, not even given the respect of capitalization.

Frankly, A, B, and C are the top 1% of the alphabet. And the rest of us? Well, the rest of us are developing class consciousness.

I bet you wouldn’t be too happy if the other 23 letters all of a sudden decided to strike? Hope you like listening to ABBA and calling for cabs because that’s all you’ll be able to do soon.

Put simply: to call it “The ABCs” just feels dismissive of the rest of the alphabet. Might as well just say, “The ABCs and Who Gives a Fuck About the Rest.”

You know, the funny thing is that if you said “The ABCDs” instead, I probably wouldn’t have even said anything. I would’ve let it go. But I guess everyone has a line, and you drew yours at me. The letter “D” was too much for you.

Too much “dancing,” too much “dreaming,” too much “dilly-dallying.” Oh, me? I’m just the guy who made “Danny Devito” possible – it’s a shame you can’t handle that.

Without me, “dog” would be “og,” but, yeah, go ahead and treat me like I’m insignificant. Ignore me all you want, but just remember, as much as you try to “disregard” me, you couldn’t do it without me.

But, seriously, think about “The ABCDs”—I feel like it has a certain ring to it.