January

With a renewed commitment to bettering yourself, you put all of your new year's resolutions into practice by sitting on your couch and watching Bridgerton because it’s too cold to go outside. Once fully binged, you find a Bridgerton companion podcast, which you then listen to on your couch because it’s too cold to go outside. After you’ve listened to all of those episodes and the bonus ones from their Patreon, you schedule a Zoom call with your friends to talk about the show (and the podcast) because it remains too cold to go outside. You also do this Zoom call from your couch. In those few fleeting moments when you’re not thinking/talking about Bridgerton, you turn your attention to the weather and tell yourself that the worst is behind you. You let yourself off the hook for all of those resolutions too. I mean, how are you supposed to “read more” when it’s this cold outside?

February

Come February, Midwesterners will admit to themselves that times and tough and that the cold is getting to them, but when confronted with weather-related conversations from friends in warm weather climates, you find yourself saying things like:

  • “We really haven’t had much of winter.” Yes, you have.
  • “We’ve had a couple of cold days and some snow.” Everyday has been cold and there has been more snow than you ever thought possible.
  • “It’s been an okay winter, nowhere near as bad as last year though.” It has statistically been seven times worse than last year.

These are lies purposefully designed to not give them the satisfaction of having gotten out.

March

March presents signs of hope. You’ve got St. Patrick’s Day, the first day of spring, Pi day. These are all welcomed distractions from the month that will inevitably break your heart. While you know that March cannot be trusted, when the first warm day comes, you do exactly that. Winter is over! When that first 50 degree day hits, students blow off college classes to party in the streets, responsible businessmen call in sick from their jobs, and moms will let their children stay home without any excuses. Your dad calls you to tell you he got out the grill. Want to come over for Kielbasa? Of course, you do. We’re celebrating! It’s officially cargo short season!

When that big snow comes at the end of the month, you’ll feel as bad as you have all winter because you got played. March fooled you yet again.

April

A constant combination of rain and snow creates an off-brown slush that covers streets, sidewalks, parking lots, and entryways of homes. The snow is melting, which can only be viewed as a good thing, but until that happens everything looks sickly and your shoes/socks are always damp. You think about rewatching Bridgerton again to see if “you missed anything the first time.” But you know you didn’t and so you don’t.

May

The Memento effect begins to set in as the temperature starts to go up. You start to hear people say things like “Winter wasn’t even that bad” or “We got pretty lucky this year” or “All things considered, it was a pretty mild winter.” But you know the opposite to be true. It was, in actuality, the third-worst winter your state has ever seen, but you do not correct these people as the memories of lounging on your couch, supplemental TV podcasts, and broken resolutions are slowly wiped away from your brain.

June

Your out-of-state friends are visiting you! And they’re all talking about moving back! “We love Austin, but we really miss the seasons here.” “Sure, LA is great, but nothing beats the Midwest in the summer.” You roll your eyes behind their back, but allow yourself the joy of being slightly smug when you remind everyone how little you pay for rent. There is some regret about not adhering to your fitness resolution in January as beach/lake/pond/river bank/apartment complex pool SZN has arrived and your body is not quite there.

July

You’re never leaving the Midwest. Winter is but a penance and life but a dream. Ignorance is bliss. Beer and cheese in perpetuity! Skol!

August

It’s actually too hot. You’re kind of looking forward to winter this year.

September

Nothing beats fall time in the Midwest. You can’t help but feel a little bad for people who don’t get the changing of the seasons!

October

Halloween! Well, hey that’s kind of fun. You enjoyed your apple orchard trip and the homecoming parade your town held was the best one yet! Heading to work one day, you notice a light frost on the ground in the morning. Neat!

November

You begin to admit to yourself that winter is coming, but, hey, so are the holidays and they are usually, ahh, fine. Gathering for Turkeyday isn’t bad. Your racist uncle isn’t a bad guy, he just hates an entire subset of the human population for no real reason. What can you do! But don’t worry, your Aunt is there too and she’s been consulting the Farmer’s Almanac and it says this year’s winter is going to be the worst ever in the history of the world.

December

The first snow arrives and you’re charmed. It’s so quaint and lovely. What would the holidays be without snow? You pity those in the south or the west with their palm trees and sandy beaches. Does it even feel like the holiday season to them? I mean why bother celebrating if you can’t peg your sibling with a snowball leaving midnight mass? There’s a nice powdery snow leading up the holidays, there’s hot chocolate, and there’s Kevin McCallister making his family disappear. This winter’s going to be okay. You’ll get through it. You always do. And if nothing else, Bridgerton season two is bound to come out at some point.

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