Why, I’ll tell you what the stuff you just dug up is. That right there is oil. Texas tea. Economy slime. Hot rockolate. Cash muddy. Goth water. Truck food. The only reason anyone stops in Iowa. Fresh squeezed organic Earth juice. Bad coffee. Non-re-goo-able energy. Hot hot catch on fire go and find a wealthy buyer. Crude humor.

Let me make it a little clearer. It’s petrol. Economy slime. The liquid that’s also gas. Facile fuel. Really old dead stuff. First world standard of living. Technically also geothermal energy. Technically also natural gas. Mud that fucks. Food gone bad gone good again. Humanity’s very slow self-destruct button. Legal tendirt. Do you understand, yet?

That’s exactly right. It’s diesel. Black gold. Black and also slimy gold. Black and slimy gold that’s organic, rather than a metal. Come to think of it, it’s actually not much like gold at all. Noble gas. Rarefied gas. Gasolina by Daddy Yankee. That one’s not a slang term but it is stuck in my head. Iced lava. Coal brew. There Was Blood, A Long Time Ago. Dinosaur Smoothie. Tyrannosaurus rocks. Triceratopped off. Stegoserum. Velociraptar. Slickthyosaur. Moistadons. Pteranadunk. Before you ask, yes, we’re aware it’s mostly algae and cyanobacteria, but that’s not as fun.

And you know how I know that? Because I’m an oil man. A tycoon. A fossil fool. A patronleum. One of the well-heeled. The drillustrious. The bitu-men. You got that “the well-heeled” was a reference to oil wells, right? Just checking. What was I saying? Oh, yes. The OPECunious. The oregeoisie. The rig and famous. Those guys who spend all their time making weird nicknames for oil. The aristocrude.

And if there’s one thing an oil man knows, it’s oil. Unrefined. Colonialist nip. Sea-critt sauce. Short term benefits, long term consequences. Barrel role. Burny Turny juice. Raphael, on account of it being cool but crude. Nature’s energy drink. Real estate boom in a cup. So shale it be written, so shale it be done. Liquid assets. Oppressed people crying out out for liberation. Hot sauce.

And you know what you can get with oil? That’s right, money. Cash. Bread. Wrinkly green gold. Existential satisfaction, I hope. Decoded cryptocurrency. The world’s most popular collectible card game. Near perfect imitations of counterfeit bills. The root and route of all evil. The best part of a birthday present from your grandparents. The paper tiger. Prints charming.

Yes, sirree, what you’ve got right there might as well be cold hard cash. And by that I mean, oil. Slick. Prometheus ground. The plunder down under. Ancient grease. A naturally occurring yellowish black liquid consisting of hydrocarbons and various organic compounds. The root of the Indus-tree. Oil wells that end well. Sticks in stones. Black power. Inkonvenient.
American Foreign Poli–

What’s that?

Oh, you just spilled some Dr. Pepper?

Well, I got a few nicknames for that too, if you wanna hear.


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