Please Clean Me (at a Car Wash)

An elderly couple sues the mother of a teenager for damages to their 1998 Buick Skylark, on which the teen wrote on “I’m a Dirty Bird” with hand sanitizer. The plaintiffs claim the isopropyl alcohol permanently marred the 22-year-old paint job. The defendant says it was nothing more than a harmless prank committed by an adolescent who had been spending too much time alone in lockdown during the pandemic. And besides, it wasn’t even her kid who yes, was outside, but only to draw sidewalk chalk murals while on a socially distanced friend date.

Who’s Got the Coronavirus Corn Flakes?

An Instacart employee asks for damages over possible COVID-19 exposure when the resident of a fifth-floor walk-up apartment opened the door before contactless delivery was completed. The defendant is countersuing, also for possible COVID-19 exposure, saying the Instacart worker was deliberately bringing up the bags too slowly. Both the plaintiff and the defendant have repeatedly tested negative for both the virus and antibodies. Both the plaintiff and the defendant are also suing each other to cover the costs of repeated testing and time missed from work.

That’s One Helluva Mother; Plus, Judge Judy Mutes a Witness

Judge Judy hears a case over a sourdough starter, which the plaintiff claims has been patented, trademarked, copyrighted, notarized, and sent by registered mail, proving that it’s hers. The defendant says it’s actually a recipe that’s been in his family for generations and brings his great-grandmother into the Zoom courtroom as a witness. But the Judge has to mute the OG when she won’t stop bragging about her local County Fair awards.

Homeowner Says “Fruit You” to Landscaper

A homeowner sues a gardening expert over a stay-at-home improvement project gone wrong. The plaintiff claims that the defendant advised her in a virtual Slack lecture to plant zucchini in her “Victory Garden” and never told her that she’d have to pick and eat so many squashes. She says her neighbors have called police on her for trespassing and harassment because she has been leaving them on their porches, as is the custom according to “National Sneak Some Zucchini onto Your Neighbor's Porch Day.” And besides, no one is making zucchini bread because who wants to grate zucchini, and he should have advised her to plant bananas instead. The defendant is countersuing for the cost of the lecture admittance, which the plaintiff has tried to pay in produce.

Dad Gets Ripped off by His Kid, Who’s Influencing All the Way to the Bank

A father takes his 15-year-old daughter to court for secretly taping him playing air drums to Rush’s entire music catalog during quarantine, editing them, and putting the clips on the popular app, TikTok. There, she found fame and fortune with 7.5 million followers. Will the Judge allow today’s Tom Sawyer to exit the warrior with a cut of the profits? Or will she grant the defendant her countersuit for defamation of character after the dad posted a diatribe on Instagram, claiming that he was really the “oak” and she was merely “a maple” who should “be happy in [her] shade?”

Battle of the Brazilian Poodle Wax

A man sues his ex for $5,000 or the return of a female teacup poodle named Chanel, accusing him of abuse after seeing photos of a nearly bald dog on Snapchat. The defendant, who says he bought Chanel for $10,000 prior to their relationship, says the pup’s coat cut is called the “bikini clip,” A.K.A. the “Miami clip.” He says it’s appropriate because of where he lives on South Beach, where all little dogs wear outfits like the Hanalei dog bikini, which he says he bought at Bitch New York before the pair broke up and he moved south. Chanel also wears a Louis Vuitton Baxter dog collar in Monogram canvas, and has a Moshiqa spa robe, a designer life jacket, and puppy sunscreen for the beach, as demonstrated by the defendant over Zoom. The defendant claims that the reason the plaintiff has asked for the dog is because “he is bitter, he lives in a high rise with elevator buttons that he can’t touch because his stick is too small, and he has Netflix and no chill.”

Chickens? What the Dickens; and a Zoom Bomb Goes Off!

Judge Judy arbitrates a case between owners of The Eden Lake Condominiums and the president of the Home Owners Association, who is accused of trespass and theft. Apparently, many chickens, several quail, a few ducks, a pair of black swans, and a peacock acquired during the coronavirus lockdown have gone mysteriously missing. The HOA president is being blamed because of the issues she raised at a recent meeting even though there are no bylaws on the books preventing backyard bird ownership. Suddenly, the show is interrupted by a Zoom bomb attack, which is at first assumed to be a stunt put on by The People’s Court stans, but is later discovered to be an impromptu Presidential press conference held in the White House Rose Garden.


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