Well, the cat's out of the bag. With his boss confirming that Sean Spicer’s job as White House Press Secretary relies heavily on his ratings, I'm sure Sean must be thinking about ways to ensure folks tune in so that he can keep his lights on at home. Luckily, as an avid watcher of television for over 35 years, I've come up with a few ideas to ensure that everyone’s favorite Mouthpiece to Sauron has an amazing second season.
1. A Love Interest
Even though Spicer’s happily married with children, I think the Sean Spicer we get during press briefings is someone else entirely. If his boss is a Twitter fanatic, why don’t we get Spicer on Tinder? He should start every meeting with stories about how he goes home every night, plops down with a big tub of Ben & Jerry’s between his legs, and puts on Scandal, wondering where and when his life is going to be as interesting.
Imagine hearing the news of what ballistic missiles are flying where, knowing that the man reporting it is hours away from his first blind date.
- What tie will he wear?
- Is Indian too “ethnic” for a first date?
- When is Spicer going to get some?
2. A Very Special Press Briefing
What if Spicer, in the middle of explaining how a time machine will be the only way the press could get a hold of his bosses’ tax returns, smells marijuana in the room. He singles out Collin and Bret, two CNN reporters Sean had once played with in a competitive hacky sack league. Both men laugh and try to dismiss him, but ol’ Spicer isn't going to have this on his conscious.
Undoing his tie and tossing aside his jacket, Sean rolls up his sleeves and shares a very personal recount of the last time he tried pot. The story ends with an unwanted tattoo, a stolen Ford Mustang, and a Supreme Court Justice he can never look square in the eye.
The press briefing ends with Spicer screening “Reefer Madness” before everyone can leave.
3. The Bottle Briefing
Due to an unknown threat, the entire press briefing is on lockdown and no one is allowed to leave the room. 42 hours later, while everyone is busying rationing out Tic-Tacs and bottled water, Fox News is overheard blaming ISIS while MSNBC is quick to cite it as a diversion from the President’s ties to Russia. The only level-headed guy in the room, Spicer, breaks them up and orders everyone to take off their shoes and sit in a circle.
What proceeds is a two-hour montage of the good times they all had in government. As soon as Spicer drops his last truth, the doors open and everyone is free.
Fox and MSNBC are seen making out shortly thereafter.
Somewhere upstairs, Bannon is seen turning off on his desk lamp, right beside a switch labeled “Door Locks.”
4. Bizarro World/Freaky Friday Press Conference
After stating that he thinks he has the hardest job in the world, Sean accidentally eats poorly-prepared blowfish one night and hallucinates a world where he had become president instead. His press secretary used to sell steak and diplomas of equal quality but is now representing him to the media.
In trying to lead the Free World, Spicer wakes up from his fever dream with a newfound appreciation for… well, nothing. He still thinks he has the hardest job in the world.
5. A Live Press Briefing
I know press briefings are already live. But how about making them live…er? How about a studio audience sitting behind the press corps and Spicer reading from cue cards on the spot? This may sound like SNL, but I am thinking more along the lines of Who’s Line is it Anyway?
Think about Spicer reporting on the deployment of a more sound military force in Afghanistan, but having to do so in limerick form with Wayne Brady as backup.
6. A Special Christmas Briefing
Spicer refuses to speak to the fake media on Christmas Eve. That night, he’s visited by three ghosts of his Past, Present and Future. His Past, a ghost dressed in a bunny suit, shows Sean what he’s come from. His Present ghost reveals what people think about him today, including the shocking revelation that Conway is behind the hashtag “#SpicySeansBigSuits”. And his Future ghost shows him that he will be rich and famous after a tell-all book.
Sean then awakes and holds a very bold and powerful press briefing that is viewed by millions.
He lives on with a renewed interest in his job and immense hopes for the future.
7. Introducing a Kid
Pairing up ol’ Spicer with a young kid (presumably one with a bowl cut) would really liven things up. Children always make things better. Have the kid win an essay contest about the job he feels he can do right out of 4th grade, with the stipulation that the US Government has to honor the winner’s request. That’s instant ratings.
Imagine Spicer walking to his podium, and little bowl cut Spicer walking up to a smaller podium right beside Sean. They would both field questions simultaneously. Sean would handle anything having to deal with a future world war and mini-Spicer would deal with things such as bullies and cafeteria chicken nugget consistency. They both bond after every press briefing over ice cream sandwiches.
And when all else fails, when the Big Boss is noticing that none of this is working and Sean’s ratings are going down the tubes, there’s only one thing left to turn to.
8. Sean Spicer. Water skis. Lincoln Memorial reflecting pool.
A jump to remember.