The internet is hard to use. My grandma can’t even turn a computer on, let alone delete her browser cookies, or tweet a Tweet. It’s honestly not realistic for me to expect her to, either. Life was tough for her: she had to walk six miles, barefoot, at five o’clock in the morning just to get to school on time—or so she tells me. My grandma also likes to lie (did you REALLY have ten siblings—two of which didn’t survive the winter—and go to different water fountains as black people, Grandma? DID YOU?).
You know who are also about my grandma’s age? Basically all politicians (Paul Ryan doesn’t count because he dabs like an old man).
Much like the number of funny jokes Amy Schumer has wrote herself, internet-savvy politicians are few-and-far-between. That’s due, in part, to the tremendous age gap between the relatively young users of the internet and the geriatrics trying to lure younger voters into their campaigns with talking points you’re likely to hear them repeat like a record playing a broken record of a record playing a broken record (I don’t know how record players work).
And I’m not saying it’s stupid to try and use social media to grow voter interest?—?it’s brilliant, actually. Social media is an environment fertile for marketers—especially if what you’re selling are ideas, and quick, snappy campaign slogans. Politicians are smart (or power-hungry; however you want to phrase it), but even the best of them make absent-minded gaffes that make a Janet Jackson nip-slip look as uneventful as Jeb(ra) Bush at a Republican Presidential debate.
Jeb, channeling his inner Trayvon Martin.
Fortunately (or unfortunately? I’m divided) for us, however, we have just elected a living meme machine—no, check that: a meme factory. Like any other politician, Donald Trump has tweeted out statistics or tried to sell us talking points that are 1) not true, 2) void of logic and/or reason, or 3) stupid.
But that’s not what this list is about.
No, this list is about Trump tweets that give you a rare, painful, chronic disease; Trump tweets that make you shut your computer down; Trump tweets that make you drive to Walmart at three o’clock in the morning to buy a box of condoms, out of fear that your children might end up as mentally deficient as the person who authored said tweets.
Those tweets.
This isn’t some grandiose, journalistic exposé, because frankly, it doesn’t need to be. Sometimes, all one needs to do is sit back and laugh at dummies—even if that person happens to be our President.
Without further ado, here are five tweets from Donald J. Trump that I believe satiate that internal yearning for coma-inducing cringe.
1. Donald Trump earns his climate science degree overnight.
At one point, haven’t we all tweeted fringe conspiracy theories to millions of people? No? Just me?
2. Donald Trump agrees that Edward can do much better than Bella.
I have no problem with this tweet. #TeamEdward
3. Donald Trump versus Congress member Barney Frank’s nips.
He has a point (pun intended)?—?those nipples are being very disrespectful.
4. Donald Trump’s shows his tactful side.
While @realDonaldTrump is an extremely annoying individual with small hands, I refuse to say that because I always insist on being politically correct.
5. Donald Trump becomes self-aware.
But it can’t make you tell the truth, apparently.