Hey, super quick thing! Can you make me a flyer for my kid’s lemonade stand? I was going to do it in Microsoft Word, but I hear you know Photoshop. I’m sure you can bang it out real fast for me! Thanks a million!

I don’t mean to bother you while you’re probably working on that flyer, but also I was wondering if you can remove my ex from this pic of us on a canoe? Also, I have a zit in the picture, if you don’t mind erasing it. And here’s a photo of my bunny—can you make him look like a cat?

Do you think you can teach me Photoshop? Or better yet: would you mind making me a logo for my new insect-dessert business? I was going to hire someone, but they wanted to charge me a few hundred dollars. And then I remembered that you know Photoshop and thought, “Why don’t I ask you to make me something original and iconic, not too complicated, but not too simple either?”

Oh, and it must have blue and orange in it—and no green at all. I like blues that are more aqua than navy, by the way. I don’t expect you to do it for free, of course… I’d be happy to give you some products. You like chocolate-covered crickets, right?

Hey, you do websites, too? That’s amazing! You think you can help me with mine? I need the homepage to be a cricket jumping out of a vat of chocolate. But the cricket needs to be smiling like it’s happy to be getting cooked. I need it by tomorrow, but you’re a pro, so I’m sure you can do it in the middle of a REM sleep cycle.

And after you are done with that, I’m thinking of redesigning my house. Can you help me see what my paint colors would look like with Photoshop? Also, if you can lay out a sunroom with French doors on my plan, that would save me a trip to an architect.

The logo you did for me, I know I told you a cricket coming out of a chocolate bar, but I didn’t think you’d take it literally. I was thinking something exactly like the Nike logo.

And you know the bunny I wanted you to turn into a cat, you didn’t start that yet, right? Because I was thinking it would be way better if the bunny was like a turtle. A furry face coming out of a hard shell. Also, can you animate it so that it morphs into a dinosaur?

So, my friend’s friend needs some help restoring a photo of her grandma. How big of a deal is it that her face is missing from these scraps? I’m sure you can figure out by these three bits of her skirt what she looked like. Here. Let me draw her as my friend described so you can visualize it. I’ve never taken an art class in my life, but here’s a circle, and her eyes should go right about here. Then when you’re done, can you recreate her voice so she can say hi to me, with Photoshop?

My best friend's mother is a realtor and I told her you know Photoshop and she wants you to make a 3D hologram of her logo that can float above the house so when people drive by it, they’ll say “wow!” and call her. Hey, can you make real fireworks go off above the house too? Because that would be awesome! Also, she dropped a ring last time she was there—can you find it with Photoshop?

One more thing. My cousin’s colleague is going to Disney with one hundred family members. They need matching sweatshirts with everyone’s photo on each one—but not just a photo—a progression that changes from their baby face to their current face when you stand at a certain angle. You think you can do that for me in an hour?

Oh, and I think my new boyfriend’s cheating. Can Photoshop fix my relationship?

And I really don’t want to be a nag, but what’s the ETA on that flyer for the lemonade stand?