Emil’s Friendly Discount Store and Sperm Bank – Tallahassee, FL
On the plus side, parking is a breeze since they’re located right next to Dollar Tree in a strip mall. But the hand-printed cardboard sign “Beer, cigarettes, snacks, sperm” is a little creepy.
The Tuesday special, two homemade chimichangas and a vial of Phil Robertson’s sperm for $4.29 is undeniably a good deal, but the fact that they don’t label the cup of spicy ranch for the chimis could cause some problems.
Points for accepting SNAP and WIC.
Sperm Queen Drive-Thru – Dayton, OH
I’m a busy career woman and my time is at a premium, so I figured this would be perfect. But little was I prepared for the high school-age clerk at the window.
Her: Whipped cream?
Her: Your total is $12,003.12.
Me: No, don’t turn it upside down! My God.”
Her: Moist towelette?
J.P. Morgan Chase Sperm Bank – Ogden, UT
At first I was wary of this place, but then I was like “I need a toaster anyway, fuck it.“
The friendly customer service rep gave me a brochure that read: “Try our convenient online sperm banking. Night depository open 24/7. Significant penalty for early withdrawal. All deposits protected by the full faith and trust of the United States Government. We put the ‘D’ in FDIC.”
South Central Sperm – Los Angeles, CA
Le Sperme Cellar and Gourmet Cheeses – Los Angeles, CA
My tuxedo-clad sperm steward Rene greeted me in French and explained, “All of our top grade sperme de France is aged to perfection in our high-capacity humidors and kept at a regulated temperature and humidity as prescribed by the National Sperm/Wine Council of France.”
He continued, “Ahh, the 1963 Merlot. An excellent choice! Amusing, yet not arrogant. Palate cleanser?”
Sperm Depot – Salem, OR
I really just needed some needle-nosed pliers, but I saw the sign “Free vial of sperm with each drywall purchase of $100 or more,” so I was like “OK, sure, why not?”
Long story short, the wife and I just had an infant version of Bob Vila. Remodeled the den at six months, but won’t let us change the channel from PBS. Bad move.
Bill Clinton High-Volume Discount Sperm Warehouse – Athens, AL
I knew something was horribly, horribly wrong when I saw William Shatner on a late night TV sperm bank commercial screaming, “We are slashing prices like crazy and passing the savings on to YOU! We can do it because we make up for the savings with volume!”
Still, I felt compelled to visit the Clinton Discount Warehouse because you just can’t beat those deals. And free hot dogs for the kids. At least, the teenage, female ones.
It wasn’t that bad. I mean where else can you get a vial of presidential sperm for just $49.99? Sure, it was pretty greasy and reeked of donuts, but you can’t expect perfection for those prices, now can you?
Amazon Sperm Division – Lansing, MI
I do all my shopping online, so it’s nice to know somebody has me covered. I didn’t think there would be a place to get that kinda thing on the Internet, but sure enough Amazon.com filled the gap.
I was directed to the page by a banner ad “One-stop shopping for all your in vitro fertilization needs; also, check out our line of high-end electronics and 10 million Pakistani e-books.”
The one-click checkout was really convenient, but I ran into a big problem with shipping. I paid extra for 2nd Day Air, but I never got my shipment.
When I called customer service, they told me there had been a mixup and my sperm was shipped to Miley Cyrus in error, but they hope I enjoy my weight loss shake.
Robert Kroeger Cloning Facility – Winston-Salem, NC
It's technically not a sperm bank per se, but still you can purchase an offspring and a damned famous one at that.
Each Kroeger clone comes with a pair of industrial noise-blocking ear muffs and a “STFU, Bob, or we will take you back” T-shirt.