About six years ago, a sandwich appeared in a fast food restaurant that made history by being literally considered a serious public health threat. The chain’s initial response was something along the lines of, “Well, yeah, I guess people could die from eating our sandwich. So? People can die from drinking lye too. You don’t see a big public outcry to make lye illegal, now do you?”
The controversial sandwich quickly gained popularity and is now a top seller.
So, quick to jump on a hot new trend, more chains are now adding potentially fatal items to their menus.
Here is a partial list of mortally hazardous menu items catalogued by the Department of Homeland Security.
1. The Executioner
Composed of a mini-vat of 10 pounds of rendered beef fat laced with bacon. And a spoon. Contains 510,000% of the RDA of saturated fat and 715,000% of the RDA of LDL cholesterol.
2. Toxic Blowfish and More Platter
Harvested from the liver and eyeballs, widely regarded as the most delicious parts of the Japanese blowfish with the highest concentrations of asphyxiation-inducing tetrodotoxins and served with hushpuppies and fries.
3. Corn Dog of Certain Death
Composed of a pure cyanide coney inside a delicious, golden brown strychnine fried batter crust. Available in Original or Fast-Acting Injectable.
4. Fulton County Toxic Waste Dump Sandwich
The Fulton County non-degradable toxic waste depository on a delicious sesame seed bun. The suburban Atlanta facility can be upsized to an 8 million gallon offshore oil spill for an upcharge.
5. Volcanic Firestorm Menu
Your choice of seven classic menu items, all of which are sealed inside a two-mile-wide swath of white-hot molten magma flowing from the mouth of active volcano Loihi located on the Pacific Ocean floor near the Hawaiian Islands. Be sure to enter the #FeelTheBurn Sweepstakes for your chance to win a $500 gift card.
6. Tormented, Revenge-Seeking Ghost of Dave Thomas #3 Combo
The horrific, otherworldly apparition from the grips of Purgatory seeking to avenge his publically unbeknownst murder at the hands of industrial spies comes with your choice of fries or rings and a big cookie.
7. Saudi Henchmen Griller
A crack team of ruthless, murderous henchmen from the Abdullah regime who would just as soon slit your throat with a cold steel butterfly knife as say hello in a soft flour tortilla.
8. ISIS Death Squad Shake
A hooded death squad from the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria in your choice of 11 thirst-quenching flavors.
9. Mongolian Hordes BBQ
50,000 angry Mongol hordes with triple-bow siege crossbows and chain mail armor served with your choice of crisp oriental vegetables. Low sodium soy sauce available on request.
10. The Exterminator 3
Developed by the US Defense Department in a secret testing facility near Edwards Air Force Base. Although recently reclassified from Top Secret to Restricted, the details of this food item cannot be released to the general public under penalty of high treason. If I told you, I would have to kill you. And I’m not prepared to beat it at its own game.