By staff writer Alex Willen

Men are stupid. Seriously. It’s just an undeniable fact of life. Don’t think that my gender of sociology class is warping my mind (it’s a GE; I didn’t have a choice)—women are obviously all batshit crazy and often stupider, but my point still stands.

We beat the shit out of each other for no particular reason and take pride when we black out and wake up in an alley next to a homeless man with a knife wound and a cat licking said homeless man’s vomit off of us and, worse, some of us like baseball.

Nonetheless, I have some hope that we can be greater and achieve more. You see, it’s no fault of ours that we’re like this. As backwards as it sounds, genetics and evolution have left us this way. The bottom line is that we’re designed to spread our seed, so that’s pretty much all we do.

Everyone’s heard that men spend 90% of the time thinking about sex, and most men wouldn’t even waste their time pretending to disagree. Even when you’re not mentally undressing your hot TA during section (or sexion, as the not-so-clever but unrealistically well-endowed porn actor playing you in your head calls it), pretty much everything you do is an effort to get ass.

I'm a genius in a bottle, gotta crack me the right way.

If you’re turning down a BJ from that slutty chick with the lazy eye who lives down the hall to study (bad decision), it’s only because somewhere in the deep recesses of your brain you’ve reasoned that if you do well in your classes and indenture yourself to the man, you can make enough money to marry a much more attractive gold-digging whore who will cater to the fantasies you have that even the Germans think are fucked up. Granted, she’ll cheat on you with pretty much anyone who can afford to buy her dinner, but you’re not smart enough to figure that out.

Anyway, I digress. You’re naturally wired to try to have some illegitimate kids whose child support payments you’ll dodge so that your genes aren’t wiped off the face of the earth forever. The result is that you’re wasting so much brainpower trying to locate a warm, moist hole for your Johnson that you fail to achieve anything close to your true potential.

“But wait,” you say, “according to your logic, eunuchs should be smart enough to be on their way to taking over the world!”

Fortunately, eunuchs spend all the extra brainpower they aren’t using trying to figure out how to spread their seed on other things, like singing in boys’ choirs and attempting to will their testicles back into existence.

Luckily, however, I believe there is a space of time in which a man uses the entirety of his brain—the result is that he can cure cancer, solve the great questions of the universe, and probably perform some kind of telekinesis. Problem is, it only lasts a matter of seconds (and no, I’m not talking about whippits). Allow me to elaborate in pseudo-scientific, completely baseless terms. There is a singular moment when you can take full advantage of your entire mental capacity: the few seconds immediately after orgasm.

In those few seconds, the male has no desire for sexual intercourse. He may crave a sandwich or a massage, but because the sperm has already been deposited, for those few moments he feels no need to land his load in a willing (or otherwise) girl’s vagina (or face, or chest, or back, or ear).

“Well that sounds good in theory, but I’ve busted a few nuts in my life and never noticed any difference!”

First of all, shut the fuck up already, this is my article. Second of all, think about what you’ve spent those precious few post-ejaculation moments doing: nudging your semen down the shower drain with your big toe, loathing yourself for fucking the wildebeest next to you, or apologizing profusely while your partner tries to mask her obvious disappointment.

“But now that everyone knows about this, what will happen to the world?”

I swear to God, one more peep out of you and you’re fucking dead. Your little dog too. The answer, though, is pretty much nothing. Most of you don’t have the attention span necessary to take advantage of this phenomenon, and those of you who do will probably waste the precious seconds of clarity trying to get yourselves a beer from the fridge with your mind.

The good news is that a few of you may be able to pull off a few slightly less lofty goals than solving the world’s problems. Remember, though, that this is a great power, and with great power—actually, fuck it, you know the saying, just don’t be a douche with this and ruin it for the rest of us. Try easier solutions first and only break out the nugget of wisdom I’ve given you if you’re in dire need.

Let’s say, for example, that you have a girlfriend who needs breaking up with. Every time you try to broach the subject, her vagina-sense kicks in and she pulls you into bed, thus destroying any trace of focus you may have had to complete the task at hand. This is barely even a problem, let alone dire need, so go with the easy solution: cheat on her with her best friend but make sure it’s not too hard for her to find out. If that fails and she just ends up hopping in bed with the two of you, then you have a dire problem. Or no problem. Anyway, that’s the time to take those precious focused post-coital seconds and drop the bomb on her. Granted, if she resists for more than eight seconds, you’re fucked, but at least that’s in a literal sense. Just give it up and next time try to get that beer with your mind.