Can you hear the siren calls from high upon Mount Hanks? 2021 will be a White Boy Summer! If Chet Hanks, the Hermes of the Hanks Family, has declared it, it must be law. And don’t get me wrong, all the Jake’s in my life have assured me Chet is a GOAT in the white boy community. He’s up there with Rob Gronkowski, Joe Rogan, and of course, Kanye West. But little to Chet’s knowledge, 2021 isn’t the first White Boy Summer, and unfortunately for the rest of us, it won’t be the last.
Let’s take a moment to look back on the eight most illustrious and, possibly, highly problematic White Boy Summers of history.
8) Summer of 1960: The King of Rock and Roll is Back
By 1958 Elvis Presley’s act was getting a little old. But with the advent of a timely Army drafting in ‘58 and some well-timed singles and movie/TV appearances after his military service in ‘60 and you got a revived king.
Eminem told you this: Elvis stole Black music, style, and dancing. But he was also able to utilize the collective Stockholm syndrome of the American public to the American military to enrich himself!
The King has his banner raised high in the WBS halls. The Summer of 1960 will always be known as the year in which Rock and Roll came back to the suburbs.
7) Summer of 1998: Leo Starts Breakin’ Hearts
Titanic became the highest-grossing film of all time and everyone fell in love with the movie’s leading actor and his boyish charm. 1998 belonged to the leader of the Pussy Posse (look it up—it’s a real thing): Leonardo DiCaprio.
Leo gave life to the ultimate white boy dream: unconditional love and praise, being the “it-boy,” and never dating a woman above 25!
6) Summer 312 AD: Constantine Wins and Finds Jesus
In 312 AD Constantine finally beat Maxentius and ended his war. He then proceeded to march into Rome and have a six-month celebration of his feats! And, as an added bonus, he accepted Jesus as his Lord and Savior and that’s cool I guess.
Beating your nemesis and then becoming sanctimonious about it? 312 AD was a classic WBS.
5) Summer of 1986: The Last True 80s Summer
Aww, the real '80s! Wall Street was booming and money was flowing, the Gipper Ronald Regan was the President and Black and Brown people didn’t exist outside of Detroit, and cocaine flowed like water in Niagara Falls.
1986 was one of the most iconic WBS of all time: no one could see an end. That end would of course occur with the stock market crash of 1987. Still, the Summer of 1986 will always be somewhat remembered (there was a lot of blow) in the hearts, minds, and nostrils of white boys around the world.
4) Summers of ‘15/’16: Revenge of the Orange Myth
I’m not going to say his name—some of us are still too triggered. But the man that would become the 45th President of the United States came in like a hurricane on Mar-a-Lago in 2015. He had real ol'-time proud white boy energy; straight out of the 1950s. Some thought it was a joke, but by the Summer of 2016 it was becoming an all too real dystopian future.
But the boys gotta support the boys! The Summer of ‘15/’16 brought a four-year political winter in the Northern Hemisphere, but it did usher in great tax benefits for the finance bros!
3) Summer of 1611: Break Out Your KJV’s, It’s Time to Pray!
I want you to put yourself in the shoes of King James VI and I. You are the son of the legendary Mary, Queen of Scotts, and the Great Grandson of King Henry VII. You are heir to the throne of not just Scotland, not just England, but Ireland as well. And your God, the person you put all your faith and trust in, is… a brown Palestinian Jewish man?
Nah I don’t think so. Time to change that up! Give your messiah some dirty blonde hair, blue eyes, and make everything a little more Shaksperian (A.K.A. white). And voilà! You got yourself the King James Version of the Bible. That’s a book everyone can get into. And guess what? Everyone did—whether they liked it or not!
The KJV was the hottest book of the Summer of 1611 and had all the white boys tossing hail marys and crushing the holy blood.
2) Summer of 1494: Columbus Triangulates His Vision
This wasn’t Chris’ first jaunt across the Atlantic, but it was the trip that would solidify his legacy to this day! By this time explorative trips were done, Topher was laser-focused on establishing dominance, colonial ownership, and cash money in the Carribean.
The Italian homie Colombo went all Tony Soprano and said “This is MY turf now”! You can't make a WBS omelette without cracking a few eggs, A.K.A. stealing some land and killing some people. Sorry, not sorry, indigenous people!
1) The Original Summer: Zeus Overthrows His Father Cronus
The Greek God of Sky and Thunder and the King of gods, Zeus inaugurated WBS through a ten-year war fought against his own deadbeat dad Cronus. He sliced up Cronus, got his siblings back, and started creeping around goddesses and humans alike. I’m not saying that’s right; I’m just saying that’s an original part of WBS.
Because there ain’t no laws, when you can conjure up claws. The White Boy Summer that established it all!
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