Quiz: Have You Met the Girl of Your Dreams on Tinder, or HPV's Patient Zero?

Print quiz and circle yes or no for each question. Then tally your results.

1. She refers to her hemorrhoid as “my butthole's clitoris.” YES / NO

2. Mere moments after meeting her, she begins choking violently. A quick Heimlich produces an unsettling amount of used condoms. YES / NO

3. Her hair seems to be kept in place with dried vomit. YES / NO

4. She's been on The Bachelor a total of seventeen times. YES / NO

5. She includes a large cluster of skin tags nestled within her right arm pit as one of her “can't miss” erogenous zones. YES / NO

6. Her tramp stamp is instructions for the paramedics in the event of a Charlie Sheen overdose. YES / NO

7. To meet you for your hookup, she left her toddler in a hot car, with explicit instructions to honk the horn repeatedly if anyone notices that she's parked in a handicapped spot. YES / NO

8. Her breath smells like the laundry hamper at a poorly run nursing home. YES / NO

9. Has quit her job so that she can sit at home all day on eBay, obsessively bidding on unproduced Will & Grace scripts. YES / NO

10. Refuses to watch your beloved Iron Man Blurays, as she's still holding a grudge from when Robert Downey, Jr spit in her face during a Mardi Gras parade during the 80's. (“At least, it looked just like him.”) YES / NO

11. Watches YouTube videos of people burning alive in order to “get in the mood”. YES / NO

12. She has a porta potty in her otherwise perfectly nice and neat living room, and begins to cry and scream hysterically if you ask her about it. YES / NO

13. Sammy Hagar's mom has a restraining order against her. YES / NO

14. She voted for Trump, and can't discuss it without becoming alarmingly aroused. YES / NO

15. She has assigned distinct names and personalities to the several flies that seem to always be circling her head. YES / NO

16. She refuses to eat at Burger King because of “that whole Princess Diana cover-up thing.” YES / NO

17. A particularly robust lovemaking session reveals that not only does she wear a wig, but that it's affixed with used chewing gum. YES / NO

18. Has a hairy back that must be cleaned with a special, very expensive horse grooming shampoo, and then combed out extensively several times per week. YES / NO

19. Seemingly cannot refrain from joining in on large groups of homeless people playing hacky sack with a used tampon. YES / NO

20. Has spent her family's entire fortune, plus decades of her life, to fund the research that will transform Tony Danza into an albino. YES / NO

21. Despite being asked several times to stop, uses soiled diapers to pad her bra. YES / NO

22. Bites hard during lovemaking, but also when she wants you to pass the mashed potatoes at dinner. YES / NO

23. Wore blackface to your class reunion, then screamed at people for being racist when she was asked to please leave. YES / NO

24. Has human centipede blueprints covering the walls of her house, each one containing a small photo of your face over what seems to be the last, missing segment. YES / NO

25. Uses a cotton candy swirling machine to groom her bush. YES / NO

Answer Key: Have you met Ms. Right on Tinder? No. Of course you haven't. Grow the fuck up.