Print quiz and circle yes or no for each question. Then tally your results.
1. She refers to her hemorrhoid as “my butthole's clitoris.” YES / NO
2. Mere moments after meeting her, she begins choking violently. A quick Heimlich produces an unsettling amount of used condoms. YES / NO
3. Her hair seems to be kept in place with dried vomit. YES / NO
4. She's been on The Bachelor a total of seventeen times. YES / NO
5. She includes a large cluster of skin tags nestled within her right arm pit as one of her “can't miss” erogenous zones. YES / NO
6. Her tramp stamp is instructions for the paramedics in the event of a Charlie Sheen overdose. YES / NO
7. To meet you for your hookup, she left her toddler in a hot car, with explicit instructions to honk the horn repeatedly if anyone notices that she's parked in a handicapped spot. YES / NO
8. Her breath smells like the laundry hamper at a poorly run nursing home. YES / NO
9. Has quit her job so that she can sit at home all day on eBay, obsessively bidding on unproduced Will & Grace scripts. YES / NO
10. Refuses to watch your beloved Iron Man Blurays, as she's still holding a grudge from when Robert Downey, Jr spit in her face during a Mardi Gras parade during the 80's. (“At least, it looked just like him.”) YES / NO
11. Watches YouTube videos of people burning alive in order to “get in the mood”. YES / NO
12. She has a porta potty in her otherwise perfectly nice and neat living room, and begins to cry and scream hysterically if you ask her about it. YES / NO
13. Sammy Hagar's mom has a restraining order against her. YES / NO
14. She voted for Trump, and can't discuss it without becoming alarmingly aroused. YES / NO
15. She has assigned distinct names and personalities to the several flies that seem to always be circling her head. YES / NO
16. She refuses to eat at Burger King because of “that whole Princess Diana cover-up thing.” YES / NO
17. A particularly robust lovemaking session reveals that not only does she wear a wig, but that it's affixed with used chewing gum. YES / NO
18. Has a hairy back that must be cleaned with a special, very expensive horse grooming shampoo, and then combed out extensively several times per week. YES / NO
19. Seemingly cannot refrain from joining in on large groups of homeless people playing hacky sack with a used tampon. YES / NO
20. Has spent her family's entire fortune, plus decades of her life, to fund the research that will transform Tony Danza into an albino. YES / NO
21. Despite being asked several times to stop, uses soiled diapers to pad her bra. YES / NO
22. Bites hard during lovemaking, but also when she wants you to pass the mashed potatoes at dinner. YES / NO
23. Wore blackface to your class reunion, then screamed at people for being racist when she was asked to please leave. YES / NO
24. Has human centipede blueprints covering the walls of her house, each one containing a small photo of your face over what seems to be the last, missing segment. YES / NO
25. Uses a cotton candy swirling machine to groom her bush. YES / NO
Answer Key: Have you met Ms. Right on Tinder? No. Of course you haven't. Grow the fuck up.