An important personality update is now available. Personality 2.0 introduces a far superior personality to your bodyware, which includes a variety of features that will get your system functioning at a healthy adult level. Updates include:
1. Resolved Connectivity Issues
Personality 2.0 repairs your sociopathic lack of empathy and social awareness. With this upgrade, your system will be able to scan for human emotions, both negative and positive. Once an emotion is detected, your system will respond appropriately instead of making things super awkward.
2. Security Upgrades
Your new personality update will eliminate all security risks in your system. This critical update will stop your bodyware from sharing a chronologically accurate history of all your sexual partners to date with that person you met, like, ten seconds ago. We've also installed security protocols to prevent you from divulging sensitive personal issues at work parties. There's no reason why Steve from HR needs to know about your spontaneous dermatological flare-ups.
3. Bug Fixes
Personality 2.0 eliminates a variety of miscellaneous bugs from your system, from your inexplicable hatred of children, to your tendency to make your half-baked creative projects the focus of every dinner conversation. Also, you know that weird face spasm thing you get whenever you disagree with someone's political opinion? We managed to fix that too. But that's not all. We've also resolved the many grudges that you've been holding on to your entire life; however, we have left the longstanding grudge you have against Stacey Walker, your frenemy from college. It turns out that the bitterness you feel toward her is a big motivator for you.
4. Energy Saving
Personality 2.0 will install various power-saving protocols to prevent your system from wasting energy. The system will automatically power down when it detects that you're comparing your body to Emily Ratajkowski's for the fifth time today. Also, a kill switch, located in the right temple, can be used to shut down your system when you're lying awake at night worrying about something you said back in high school.
5. Increased Disk Space
Your personality update will free up space in your drive by clearing outdated information you've accumulated over your lifetime (quotes from Forgetting Sarah Marshall, lyrics to Gwen Stefani's “Bananas,” etc). The available space will be filled with anecdotes you can use to relate to people who aren't the two friends you grew up with.
6. Feature Pack
Your Personality 2.0 update comes with a host of features. These include:
- An extended attention span
- Enhanced career ambitions
- Informed political opinions
- The drive to raise a family
- Healthy body image
Would you like to upgrade to Personality 2.0? Oh wow, we totally thought you'd put it off again. Ok, here we go.
…Sorry, your system is far too old and saggy to be compatible with this much-needed update. Unfortunately, it looks like you're stuck with the shitty personality you have now.