The tale of Noah's Ark is as widely known as a story that includes the destruction of all mankind and a 135-meter boat filled with animal poo.  But, like most ancient chronicles of history, its merits are under scrutiny.

How did Noah gather the animals?  How did he feed them all?  How did he keep them from reproducing aboard the ship?  How the fuck did he build a ship of that size on his own?  How did the animals get so spread out afterwards?  How did new species come about?  Why did God only save Noah? How many lame jokes did you make when you were younger about that one friend you had named Noah?

One answer can solve them all: booze.

"Famous Moments in Alcohol" has already shown you how drinking games led to the sinking of the Titanic. Now we turn to the truth behind Noah's apparent miracle.

Noah invented wine.  Not only is that awesome, but it is also probably the only factual line I have typed in over 200 words.  As the inventor of wine, Noah reserved himself a spot on God's VIP list, so it was only fair for God to spare his life when He decided it was time to kill everybody and everything that ever lived.

Now, for those of you know-it-alls who need an explanation for things, I'll go through Mr. Skeptical Scientist's questions one by one:

How did Noah gather up all the animals? 

Ever filled the dog's bowl with beer?  Turned the cat's milk into a White Russian?  Watched in hilarity as Petey flew face-first into the window while Flying Under the Influence?  Animals love booze.  Noah simply made a giant vat of wine and waited for the animals to come to him.  Unicorns and mermaids didn't make it, because they are fags and don't drink.

Party dog
This dog is waaay too drunk to fuck. Seriously.
How did he feed them all? 

Ever looked at an alcoholic and wondered how they are so skinny when all they do is sit around and drink?  Being a fully-fledged boozer himself, Noah knew how hard it was to eat on a stomach full of liquid.  So, he always made sure his animals were thoroughly trashed before cooking anything they might find appetizing.  Plus, all Noah had was that low-carb bullshit, so no one exactly jumped at the dinner bell.

How did he keep them from reproducing while aboard the ship?

Whiskey dick.

How the fuck did he build a ship of that size on his own?

You know how sometimes when you blackout you wake up and find that you not only took out your contacts and got ready for bed like a real person, but you also ran a virus scan on your laptop and folded your laundry?  That's kind of like what happened to Noah, except for when he woke up he had constructed a 450-foot wooden boat with his bare hands.  Don't you feel lazy now?

How did the animals get so spread out afterwards? 

Noah was like the sober driver who takes everyone home after a party, except for he was shit-faced and just pushed them off whenever he felt like it.  Unfortunately, dragons fell off into the Australian Outback, which although fully submerged, still managed to find over 800 ways to kill them instantly.

How did new species come about? 

Think for a second about the three weirdest people you've ever had sex with.  Now think about the average blood alcohol content needed to make that happen. Now think about a cheetah having a three-way with an anorexic zebra and a swan. Now picture a giraffe.  Aha…

How many lame jokes did you make about that one friend you had named Noah growing up?

Not nearly enough.

So, if you think about it, Noah's invention of wine saved his life and the life of every animal, thus saving life as we know it from extinction.  No wonder I feel so awesome whenever I'm drunk.