To truly understand where we are going as partiers, we must understand where we have come from. We must enlighten ourselves with tales of belligerence from the past.  We must study the ways of great drinkers before us, for if we do, we may realize that although having a gigantic anchor full of booze may sound like a cool idea, we probably shouldn't use it while crossing the Atlantic Ocean.

Mankind's history is littered with moments when booze reigned supreme.  Even the brightest and most powerful of their day have been swayed by its invigorating intoxicants.  From jewel-encrusted goblets to mono-encrusted keg cups, alcohol is truly the one indulgence shared by the richest of the rich and the poorest of the poor.

Friends, family, and hopefully not my employer, I give you, "Famous Moments in Alcohol."

Tragedy Explained: The Titanic's Alcoholic Fate

The movie Titanic would have been a lot less sad if you knew Leo only went underwater to search for the other quarter so they could continue playing the drinking game Land Mines.  Or that Rose, after growing tired of reserving their two-person playing surface, opted to join a group of people playing Beer Pong on a nearby boat.

Ever heard the phrase "Drunk as a sailor?"  I have too.  It's no coincidence.  "Sailor" is the third most alcoholic profession behind only "clergymen" and "that one uncle who works upstate and probably molested you as a child."  It is for this reason that I'm sure most will not be surprised to learn that anchors were not invented to hold a ship in place.

They were invented to hold booze.

When the British Steamer Utopia sank in a drunken collision with the HMS Anson off the coast of Gibraltar in 1891, captains came under intense scrutiny for their habits of guzzling booze while under control of, for example, a 5,462,000-pound merchant of death, such as the Utopia.

It was this scrutiny that led to the invention of anchors – giant containers of booze smuggled aboard under the disguise of being a tool for "stabilizing the ship in rough seas."  Ha!  More like stabilizing my buzz with much ease!

The Titanic, being the biggest ship of her day, naturally needed the biggest anchor as well.  Also, being a luxury passenger steamship, the crew spared no expense in purchasing more than enough keg cups, dice, cards and quarters to make sure its guests were thoroughly trashed for the duration of the trip.

Little did they know how few dice they would truly need.

Captain Edward John Smith had just finished his fourth game of Kings when he was called out by First Officer William Murdoch for driving the boat slower than "a broken down 1903 Ford Model AC!"  Obviously this pushed the captain's buttons.

Smith ordered his crew to double the ship's current pace, ball-tapped his First Officer, and joined in a game of Beer Die, an act that would lead to one of the most darkly ironic quips ever uttered at sea.

Less than an hour later, and just before round number six of Fuck the Dealer began, Captain Edward John Smith saw something remarkable: a bitch-ass iceberg about to get jacked the fuck up.

Smith, Chief Officer Henry Wilde and Second Officer Charles Lightoller, with narrowed eyes and devious grins, pushed the ship full speed ahead in hopes of "showing that fucking iceberg who's boss."  Third Officer Herbert Pitman, one of four officers who lived to testify to the events, recalled Smith saying, "I can't wait ‘til we rail the shit out of that pansy ass iceberg."

Added Lightoller, "Ha, more like ‘assberg.'"

Crew and passengers alike cheered the decision to totally pwn the iceberg.

"Uber pwnage is inevitable," Pitman recalled one first-class passenger saying. "I don't think the iceberg has any idea how hard it is about to get pwned."

However, as most of us know, the iceberg did not get pwned.  In fact, the iceberg very much showed the Titanic just how much of a noob it really was.

After the fate of the Titanic, it became nearly impossible for captains to sneak alcohol onto their vessels.  Instead, they decided it'd be easier to get as drunk as possible before boarding and coast out their buzz with shots from the mini-bar.