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All Politicians Are the Same
All politicians want to have sex with Paul Rudd.
Articles
I’ll Buy Your Mushroom Superfood If You Promise to Stop Asking
The irony is that your mushroom superfood promises me more energy, which I wish I had now, so I could resist ordering it.
Obits for the Unused Produce in My Kitchen
We mourn the loss of Avocado, survived by literally everything else in the kitchen.
It’s Me, Scrub Daddy, America’s Favorite Sponge! Please Stop Using My Mouth to Clean Your Dishes
The hole for my mouth is pretty much only there for novelty reasons. No matter how hard you push, none of your cups or plates will ever fit.
I’m the New York City Marathon, and We Need to Set Some Boundaries
This is progressing faster than I can manage—remember, I’m a marathon, not a sprint.
The Six Complaints of the Ghost of President Chester A. Arthur
1. Every portrait makes me look like a Relief Pitcher for the 1974 Chicago White Sox.
Memo from the Castle’s HR Department in Response to the Monster Mash
We may be a lab in a haunted castle, but we still have rules.
I Better Not Let My Emotions Get in the Way While Transporting This Ruthless Killer That I Have Personal Connections with on Halloween Night
You can provoke me all you want but I'm not going to do anything irrational. Except remove your handcuffs in a parking lot.
The Recent Painting Vandalisms Are a Cheap Imitation of My Performance at My Daughter’s School Art Fair
I knew blanketing a third-grade class’s first art exhibition with cans of pasta would be controversial, but that’s why I did it
It’s So Hard to Break Out with an Independent Podcast That’s Just 45 Minutes of Dolphin Noises These Days
How can an outsider podcast hope to find an audience for its maritime squeaks, squawks, and screeches in such a crowded industry?
So Sorry for Your Loss, Here’s a GIF of Michael Scott from “The Office”
I have trouble putting something as heavy as this into words, so I’ll send my sympathies in the best way I know how.
I’m Done with Personal Growth
The journey has been fun, and there were certainly some parts I liked. Reading was cool.