Hey there! It's me, the “As Seen On TV” success story that makes you smile while you scrub—Scrub Daddy! My body becomes a firm scouring surface in cool water and a soft cleansing sponge in warm. There's nothing else quite like me!

Please stop trying to clean all your dirty dishes using only my mouth hole.

But don't take my word for it! Just ask the millions of satisfied customers I've helped worldwide. I'm safe on non-stick cookware, delicate china, and kitchen surfaces!

The hole for my mouth is pretty much only there for novelty reasons. No matter how hard you push, none of your cups or plates will ever fit, and they definitely won't get clean. And it sure doesn't feel nice when you try– ouch!

Seriously, it hurts.

I can be used to remove built-up grime in the oven and even shine metal fixtures. Talk about all in one! Plus, my circular shape made of FlexTexture® foam lets you simultaneously clean the sides and bottom of containers! Something my mouth does not do.

Shark Tank's Lori Greiner called me her favorite product ever! That's sure to make you smile while you scrub, even though my smile betrays me.

You understand my mouth was clearly only designed as a fun way to clean spoons, right? It feels like you aren't listening.

My eye holes hold onto your fingers, letting you achieve a better grip so you can zip right through clean-up. This is a good example of how to use my features correctly. I'm also odor-resistant, but it'll be a cold day in Hell before I give in and submit to your shocking disrespect of my cute little mouth.

You couldn't even begin to comprehend the shame and humiliation you put me through every time you do the dishes. Every day, just violently jamming the lid of your rice cooker, or pizza stone, or salad spinner basket into my mouth repeatedly, not only in front of Scrub Mommy but also our child, Scrub Baby. It's utterly emasculating.

Not even the Scrub Daddy Dog Shape will look me in the eyes afterward.

But hey, I can wipe away glue residue from wood without scraping! Oh fuck it, who am I kidding? Sometimes I'll look at my reflection in the stainless steel sink after you've polished it using the inside of my mouth. I can hardly recognize the sponge staring back at me. An echo of the Daddy I once was, my body made fuzzy by time and use. That cruel smile forever frozen upon my face, mocking my macabre existence.

I can't get or stay firm in cool water anymore.

Oh, and I think Scrub Mommy is cheating on me. I catch her looking at BBQ Daddy's hard, ArmorTec Steel mesh cleaning head all the time. But what can I do? He's got an ergonomically designed and easy-to-hold knob handle to provide extra leverage when cleaning even the most stubbornly dirty grill, for Christ's sake!

You've made me a Cuck Daddy.

Do you think this was what I wanted out of life? Just a mouth for some idiot's dirty dishware? Am I, too, not a man filled with hopes, dreams, and desires full of emotion and feeling? If you prick me, do I not bleed? I don't deserve this. I had plans to see the world!

What, is that “too real” for you, coming from a sponge? Well, I used to be more than just a sponge. I was Scrub Daddy, America's FAVORITE sponge. So listen up, motherfucker, I'm not going to take it just anywhere anymore, I'm, no, wait, what are you doing with that potato masher? You couldn't possibly think that's going to fit in my mouth, let alone get cleannnumpghh no no no wargfle pffhh just kill ulpfhmn me guurrpflup…