To Everyone Working In The Lab Late Last Night:

Our castle has a reputation of being Transylvania’s most prestigious evil laboratory, and events like those of last night tarnish that over 700-year legacy. This morning we received several complaints related to yesterday’s party in the Castle East, and while we promise to address all your concerns individually, we are compelled to take this time to remind everyone of our policies in regards to office gatherings.

Rules that apply while working also apply to all office gatherings.
We may be a lab in a haunted castle, but we still have rules. If you don’t have a copy of the Employee Handbook, please reach out to either your Human Resource rep or Inhuman Resource rep as applicable. Simply put: If you wouldn’t do it at your desk, you shouldn’t do it at an office party. This includes doing the Monster Mash (the dance).

Attire must be work appropriate.
This is for insurance reasons. Open-toed shoes, sleeveless shirts, and long-forged-chains-still-cuffed-to-your-wrist-after-you escaped-your-slab, are all examples of unacceptable attire.

All in-office gatherings must be approved by management.
Easy way to remember: “if there’s a mash, it needs to be scheduled”. This applies to all official parties, informal Happy Hours, and graveyard smashes. We must also take this as an opportunity to stress that parties must be non-denominational and all-inclusive. Everyone should be able to mash if they want to.

Be considerate of others.
While Igor’s famous bloody mary’s have been a tradition here for centuries, not everyone was able to partake. Dracula had his son with him last night, and while the boy may be three centuries old, he is still considered a minor. So out of fairness, all company parties must have non-alcoholic options, as well. Similarly, when planning a party please make sure to have gluten-free, low-sugar, and all blood types available as options to enjoy.

Microaggressions and other bullying will not be tolerated.
Several people have told us that Dracula made it very clear that he wanted to hear “Transylvania Twist”, only to be ignored by both his colleagues and The Crypt Kicker Five. If there is any truth to the claim that it was because he is over 500 years old and “couldn’t even hear the dumb song if we played it”, there will be disciplinary action for all involved.

Additionally, moving forward all entertainment bookings must be pre-approved.
This will hopefully avoid a repeat of last night, in which the same song was played on repeat for 9 hours; despite several objections. We have never shied away from torture here at our Evil lab, but not for our valued employees. Nothing should be performed all night long, including the Monster Mash (the song).

There are no pets allowed.
There are reports that “baying hounds” were present last night and so we just wanted to emphasize our “no pets” policy. Of course, both service and emotional support animals; as well as half-human half-wolf hybrids are excluded from this rule.

Smoking is not allowed on premises.
This is for the health and safety of all our coworkers. Especially those who have complained that “Fire, bad!”. Safety must be a priority at all times. Be aware of your nearest emergency exits and knowledgeable in the correct use of extinguishers in the event that a fire were to catch on in a flash.

Clean up after yourself.
For any event, please be considerate and leave the room cleaner than you found it. This includes throwing away used plates, half-eaten human sacrifices, and any unfinished birthday cake; as well as taking the time to sweep up any loose appendages left behind.

Lab equipment cannot be used for recreational activity.
There are reports that some were using the electrodes inappropriately, and please know that we have a zero-strike policy when it comes to the misuse of lab equipment. This includes the party game “ghoul's getting a jolt” as one employee phrased it.

PDA is strictly off-limits.
It should go without saying, but this includes doing the Monster Mash (the sex act).

As we get closer to the holiday season, we all look forward to enjoying a fun and inclusive but above all safe atmosphere. Reminder: if you are attending any Castle Gatherings, resources are available for ride-sharing and you are permitted to expense all carriage or broom rides home. Please, Mash responsibly.

—Sent on behalf of Boris, the headless head of Castle H.R.