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Would you rather spend 25% of your paycheck on Everlane’s "Sims 2 Fall/Winter ‘23 collection” or trompe l'oeil mascara onto your face with a free Zoom filter?
I think about the cold draft that likely billows through her hallways at night as I sit in this suffocating summer heat.
When Paul cried as a child, and his tears created the Great Lakes, it was because of me, the bunion pressing in on his other toes.
What, you’re surprised? Remote lairs and underground redoubts do not pay for themselves.
If there was ever a year for you to slip through and get this relatively prestigious residency, it would have been this one.
Please describe how you felt after reading the disclaimer, “You’re right—you are getting these ads more often than anyone else. Everyone knows this and is talking about it.”
"Take thy breakfast and cast it before Dad, and it shall become a mess upon the floor.” And Child and Toddler did as the LORD commanded.
I offered to shapeshift so that I look exactly like Kevin or even just wear a baseball cap if it would be helpful.
While on the outside I look like I spent a past life as a lava lamp, my insides are as square as an actuary’s lunch box.
I want to feed my cell phone to an alligator without causing the alligator any digestive issues.
Podcasting: In your 2 AM hunt for distraction, you stumble on a fun fact. Did you know that platypuses are blue and green under ultraviolet light?
I understand that this neighborhood has changed in recent years, and to some, my frontage looks “ironically shambolic” or “intentionally distressed.”