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Rolling Stone had commissioned me to write a piece about modern day biker gangs. My destination was Arizona Bike Week, a festival that celebrates everything America loves about itself: bikes, beer, cheap sex, violence, drugs, and midgets.
If by some miracle I got the chance to talk to Shorty Shorts Man or Fancy Gym Guy, here is exactly what I would say.
With a slumping economy, neighborhood watch committees are turning to private contractors for surveillance, and what better way than to license helicopter services to keep criminals on the run?
In this eavesdrop, the cell phone conversation between a supermodel and an astrophysicist is snatched from the air. Let's listen in as the two deal with each other's physical and mental shortcomings.
You know those girls who walk out of a building and every penis within a 10-mile radius starts either begging its owner to turn around, or tucking itself and quivering in shame? You might not know it, but that, ladies and gents, is your slut factor.
Even if you're like, totally fucked up and in a wheelchair, you can still garden, okay? Millions of disabled people assume they can't, though.
You've just ended a relationship. All you want to do now is be left alone to wallow in self-pity and Oreo cookies, but your friends insist on taking you out to the bar. And you know this evening is going to end very badly. Here's a breakdown of the night.
If I was trying to decide between a human or a chimpanzee as a bodyguard, I'd choose the chimp every time. Would YOU try and punch a 200-pound chimp? Hell no. You're gonna cover your face and try your best not to soil yourself.
Oh my God! Thank you so much for this award. First of all, I'd like to thank Jesus for this award. He's the reason I have this award. If it wasn't for Jesus I'd still be serving baby back ribs at Hooters.
Men, don't fret if you've been burned by a psychotic woman before - I have too. Many many times. Here are 10 warning signs to prevent you from falling prey to this unyielding predator.
Has anyone noticed that to like something these days is to instantly doom it to the realm of discontinued and thus endlessly search for an appropriate replacement? Yes, that includes all your favorite shampoos and TV shows.
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