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<p>18-year-old Katie Lawrence sent a splash of hot oil through the fast food industry today when she fulfilled a customer's request for an Egg White Delight, even though breakfast service had ended two minutes earlier.</p>
What happened to you? You use to be so full of life, now all you do is scroll through Internet lists, day in and day out. Well, this is an intervention.
Sorry Mrs. President, we tried to stop the First Man, but Bill was knee-deep in the Hooters already. We tried to email you about this situation, but we didn't get a reply.
A woman is who I am. It's a basic instinct. It’s all I've ever wanted. Not the Gold Medal. That was a digression. Womanhood is my favorite neighborhood.
Good morning! I see you're looking at our selection of zombie-proofed vehicles. These certified ZUV's are very popular now and we've got quite a few nice ones in stock.
$9.99 a month for practically infinite music at your fingertips is a luxury YOU JUST CAN'T AFFORD. Now, tell me, what do you really see in so much Pitbull?
I want you to feel me in every inch of your body until you lose all sense of logic, and the usual minutiae of lazy Sundays goes out the window.
I've configured my playlist according to wordplay generated from wildly-named music artists, creating one continuous musical mash-up matrix. Just add more vodka.
I have been asked how the woman ended up dead in a motel room under my name, Tony the Magnificent. But if I were to divulge this secret it would destroy the illusion.
Men out there, I ask you: Would you rather marry Miss California or win 18 Olympic Gold Medals in swimming? We know these truths to be self-evident.
Dave rates his self-confidence as a 4/10. Janine tells Dave how ugly his new soul patch is, and his rating falls to a 2. By what percentage has Dave's self-confidence dropped?
"364 days a year we are forced to hide behind majestic backdrops that are later added in over our hard work. St. Paddy's is our day to shine in the limelight." -Green Screens