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The Jews are so good, they almost remind me of myself. Always dealing. So I keep Jared right next to me. Keeping an eye on him.
My tuxedo-clad sperm steward Rene greeted me in French and explained, “All of our top grade sperme de France is aged to perfection."
In just three days in prison I've learned so much, made and lost friends, gained literal and emotional scars, and grown as a person. These next 728 days should be a breeze.
One look into Stein's past would have revealed some big clues to the total disaster wrought upon our country due to her very presence.
After 30 great years, we’ve decided to scale back our breastaurant theme and make the transition to one of a more family-friendly restaurant.
I'll lay it down for you real quick: the secret reason why you need to cover your mouth when you yawn is a spooky, ghoulish man named Poppin' Pete.
Though I may only be a tiny, saber-tooth squirrel, I beg you, hear my squeaky voice. I am tired and broken, and I miss my family. Don't do this to me again.
As you guys know, our friend, companion, Supreme Autocrat, and dynamite singer Kim Jong-Un is having a birthday in a few weeks. What are you guys' thoughts on a party?
My uncle's Osprey Xenith 105 backpack would've been perfect, if only he hadn't decided to post "We should nuke the entire middel east!!!!" on Facebook.
A private glimpse into that blissful first year of marriage to Donald J. Trump. Ah, newlyweds.
Come, ye lost soul. If you keep yelling for us to “Move in,” I'm positive a black hole will spontaneously erupt right above our heads.
How can I have ties to Russia? The best people, all the people, really, but mostly the best, have said I don’t. And they're working for me now.