Daily funny articles by seasoned comedy writers and fresh voices. Best of Year | Editors' Picks | People's Favorites | Satire | Guides | Observations | Stories
As we prepare for war with North Korea, Americans can be counted on to do their part. Just so long as we're home in time to watch the missiles on TV!
Davy Crockett actually wore his raccoon-skin cap as a functional warning to other raccoons not to climb on his head while he was sleeping.
Other men see my pee on that white plastic horseshoe and know I'm in charge. That I'm an Alpha, and they are the weaker members of my species.
Here's the truth, "Harmonica Guy": I don't feel sorry for myself or my neighbors subjected to this audial torture, I feel sorry for the harmonica!
So you're interested in a career in ghost hunting, huh? You should know that the cameras will capture everything, so acting is important.
I do want to settle down and get married. But I'm also stuck in the San Diego Zoo's rhinoceros cage and it's way harder to meet women in here.
Regarding your autobiography, "The Real Mr. T: I Pity the Fool Who Wears Gold-Plated," this was a hard one for us, but regrettably, we have to pass.
If room 237 needed to be checked-in on (as it always seemed to) but I wasn't really feelin' it, I just wouldn’t do it, and nobody ever got mad.
While I can't speak for aliens as a whole, Craxtavore, Conqueror of Worlds, is a total dick. I can't believe Mom doesn't see through his façade.
Finally, a list of felonies to perpetrate from your breakfast nook while wearing your snuggliest onesie. Let it snow, let it snow!
I have the world's best memory, so when I woke up this morning and couldn't find my car keys anywhere, I knew Crooked Hillary was to blame.
No, I'm not sure when my episodes will be aired. Like I said, you won't be able to watch any until they're filmed. Show business, am I right?