Throughout history, Americans have always been willing to answer the call of duty. It’s a characteristic that defines us on the world stage. Whether it was intervening in the First World War or that thing in Panama, when the global community is in a pinch, it turns to the United States for help.
As we prepare now for war with North Korea, the American homefront can be counted on again to do its part. Just so long as we’re all home in time to watch those awesome missiles on TV.
With that in mind, here are four patriotic activities that will in no way leave you without a TV just as things are getting really cool.
1. Blood can be exchanged for fish heads, which in turn can be used to make a stew you can feed anti-war subversives in the makeshift prison down at the high school.
Yes, unfortunately, even political dissenters have a basic right to food every day. Luckily, right on the other side of the train yard, under the bridge, there is a thriving industry of trade.
- A liter of clean blood can be exchanged for six fish heads.
- Six fish heads can be made into four quarts of stew.
- Four quarts of stew can feed 100 anti-war subversives housed in the makeshift prison down at the high school.
And the best part?
Because you have a steady supply of fish head stew, you saved yourself a trip to the store for cat food. That leaves you with plenty of time to catch several of those badass missiles obliterate a country so completely, it alleviates the pressure of someone asking you to locate it on a map.
2. Watch Michael Ironside in roles of military authority to get pumped up.
The most brilliant part about this plan is that you don’t even have to stop watching TV. Sure, it takes some concentration and mastery of the LAST button on your remote, but your penis rocket won’t miss a single second of living vicariously through those boss righteous missiles—all while pleasantly noticing for the first time that Starship Troopers is criminally underrated.
3. Ride in elevators all day to remind people that capitalism is probably the best economic system.
Sometimes, people in the course of their daily grind need a little reminder that this is probably the best system we have. Sure, it would be nice to have a hybrid system like that in the Scandinavian countries, but we’re just not there as a country yet.
Plus, be sure to snag one of those nifty elevators with the little TVs playing the news on repeat. Luckily for you, that annoying story about our president being a traitor is being replaced with all those rad fucking missiles going balls deep into a completely sovereign country!
4. Extend your driveway by 7,975 feet to accommodate badass B-52's.
First off, take it from me: the local zoning commission is always more bark than bite. And to be sure, your neighbor is gonna be slightly curious as to why you’re bulldozing through his home at 6:30 am.
But this activity is a high risk/high reward venture—the main risk is that you’ll be so up to your eyeballs in letters from the homeowner’s association and Teamsters blowing up your car, you may ultimately end up missing a few of those dOpE-aZz missiles really smoking some motherfuckers.
But relax and keep in mind: the United States Air Force will now be bringing the bombs straight to your house! Therefore, you could theoretically watch the bombs in your driveway at the same time you’re watching those awesome missiles on TV.