Welcome to the “Intuitive Mind Body Soul Moon Earth Fire Air Spirit Chakra Realignment Retreat.” (IMBSMEFASCRR for short.) We are thrilled that you made the $10,000 decision to join us on this life-changing mystical journey! Please know that you are exactly where you need to be and exactly who you need to be at this exact moment. You are perfect as you are.

In our five days together, we will break you down, deconstruct you, reconstruct you, reinvigorate you, recuperate you, reenergize you, reinvent you, reignite you, regress you, reassess you, reform you, revolt you, recoup you, reabsorb you, revolve you upside down (first figuratively and then literally in our “Hang Like a Bat: Be the Bat” workshop) and birth you into a brand new person while keeping you exactly the same as you were before.

We will open you up to new possibilities and versions of yourself that are already in you, part of you, dying to get out. You can decide which perfect version of you leaves the retreat. Some choose to depart as their animal spirit, slithering out of the compound like a snake or howling and clinging to tree branches like adorable howler monkeys. If you did not bring the appropriate attire for slithering or clinging, please see me after the welcome circle for gloves and knee pads.

We will gather in this sacred circle every morning. Please sit in your exact spot so I can remember your IMBSMEFASCRR-given name (you’ll be assigned a name after a native pollinator in this area). In the sacred circle, we will let our energies mingle, connect and intertwine, leaving and reentering our bodies of their own free will, on their own time. As we progress spiritually, we will convene in a sacred obtuse triangle (at precisely a 120-degree angle), then a quadrilateral, and, finally, the most revered shape of them all, the elusive heptagon.

In these shapes, we will scream, we will breathe, we will cry, we will meditate, we will luxuriate, we will sit in silence, we will dance, we will thrash our limbs with wild abandon, stomping our bare feet on Mother Earth while reaching toward Father Sky, Sister Moon, Brother-In-Law Sun and Second Cousin Pluto.

We will hold each other tightly in the fetal position as we suck our matcha-kale-chia-quinoa-acai-hemp smoothies. We will melt in the sweat lodge, freeze in the cold plunge, recover briefly from hypothermia, and do some minor waterboarding, so you can truly appreciate your life as it is.

Then, we will partake in a detoxifying ceremony, so you can completely clear out all that does not serve you, physically and mentally. While you are violently purging from both ends (we have a tea for that), stay open and allow your new self to emerge but remember: you are perfect as you are. As you eject everything negative and positive from your life through the body’s natural elimination processes, please put your name on your bucket, we don’t like to cross-contaminate.

On the final day of the retreat, we will hold a cacao ceremony to rebalance the energy of the new but ultimately the same you. Unlike typical cacao rituals where you slowly sip warm cacao from a handmade mug that looks like a bowl, ours is an all-immersive experience. We dug a deep hole in Mother Earth and filled it with liquid, organic, sustainably grown, and ethically sourced cacao from Mexico. To make it truly authentic, we’ve added a special Mexican ingredient.

If your private parts start tingling, it’s working! If they feel like they are on fire, please let us know immediately. We have an EMT on standby. He is participating in our LSD mind-bending retreat next door, so there is a chance he may not be fully present when he treats you. Or he may be VERY present. Just go with it. It’s all part of your experience.

Be with your experience. Experience your experience. Experience yourself experiencing your experience, as you experience it here, in this present moment. And you will come out a better you, a new you but exactly the same you. Namaste.