Dearest Vegans, Instagram Influencers, and the Genuinely Lactose Intolerant,

I write to you with the unfortunate revelation that the fad rise in Oat Milk has gotten completely out of control. I apologize that this letter arrives rather late in the game, I had hoped the craze would die out before needing to call an emergency meeting at the alternative milk headquarters, the Portland Trader Joe's. However, the leap-frogging of Oat Milk over my rightful spot on the Dunkin' Donuts menu has left me with no choice but to address this power grab publicly.

The truth of the matter is that I have been the ring-leader of plant-based milks for decades, ever since Soy graciously stepped down due to its failed campaign partnership with PETA (shoppers were pegged with soybeans if they left the grocery store with any animal products, as a result, Soy Milk plummeted in popularity and there was a counterproductive amount of food waste).

When Oat Milk was just getting its feet wet, I generously offered to work with the newcomer on collaborative coffee creamers, including the Tesla of creamers: the Starbucks Carmel Macchiato. But now that Oat Milk has found its footing through a cute Oatly logo and supposed superior sustainability, it has decided to take center stage and push its former mentor to the wings like a rotten banana thrown to compost. Although my best friends Coconut and Soy were not directly involved with this plant-powered treachery, they had to hear me complain about this for months which was detrimental to their own mental state. With their express permission, I would like to report that they are completely on my side and also think Oat is one shady motherfucker.

Personal affronts aside, I have been able to collect plant-based evidence that not only is Oat Milk an egotistical novice, but completely corrupt and downright dangerous. My claims:

  1. Oat Milk was invented in Sweden in the 1990s. As a cusp member of Millennials and Generation Z, it cannot be trusted to be loyal to a demographic. While Oat may be loyal to the environmentally-conscious and dairy-free now, who is to say they won't pass up an offer from Tyson next? We're not saying they have a deal to sprinkle Dino Nuggets with an Oat-based cheeze crumble, but we are saying we've heard rumors and that Oat has chicken blood on its hands.
  2. It doesn't take as much water to create Oat Milk as it does to make my milk. But isn't that a little suspicious? A wise man once said, “Water is my drink.” That man was NBA All-Star Stephen Curry, making the damning case that the more water necessary to create, the more likely the plant milk would allow you to sink threes. The choice, really, is yours!
  3. Aesthetically speaking, Oat Milk doesn't even sound palatable. It rhymes with “bloat,” “sore throat,” and “gas-guzzling speedboat.” Are any of these appetizing? No, and honestly, you could make the argument that all are equally responsible for the irreversible effects of climate change.
  4. Oats are eaten mainly by horses. Consumption of oat milk thereby places the drinker squarely into Horse Girl Energy. Isn't it hard enough being labeled vegan in today's society? Now you're a Horse Girl, too?

Therefore, I respectfully request the removal of the tyrannical, unfit Oat Milk from the top spot on PETA's “Cereal Lover's Guide to Plant-Based Milk” (et tu, Brute?) and from the refrigerators of our most loyal fanbase.


Almond, with support from Soy, Coconut, Rice, and Hemp