It’s not true. I did not combine the names of Michael Jordan and Michael Jackson to come up with my child’s name. And furthermore, it is not a ploy to force my child into becoming a six-time NBA championship winner or a worldwide superstar musician. I just happen to like the smooth sound of “Michael Jordackson.” It’s got a nice ring to it.

Michael Jordackson can choose to do whatever he wants when he grows up. Whether he chooses to be a professional basketball player or a musician is totally up to him. I only give those two examples because it’s the only potential career paths I can think of off the top of my head.

I made a point to raise my son to be independent and unsusceptible to outside influences so I wasn’t surprised when he enrolled himself in basketball lessons and vocal training because it’s something I never forced him to do, not even subconsciously as if I’d simultaneously named him after the most famous basketball player and singer in history. Wherever those interests naturally progress from there is fine with me and that’s why I’m okay with him starting dance classes in the fall. If that’s his dream, I’m going to support it.

If he got cut from his high school basketball team, I wouldn’t encourage or discourage him to continue pursuing basketball. I trust that he would either take it as an opportunity to focus more on singing and dancing or he would take solace in the fact that his favorite basketball player was also cut from his high school team which made him work even harder. I forget the guy’s name, I don’t really keep up with basketball. Like I said, it’s his thing.

And if he got tired of performing with his siblings Jock, Jerm, Morlan, and Titi as “The Jordackson 5,” I’d tell him we can rename it the “Jordackson 4” as far as I’m concerned. Maybe his older brother Radney can take his place so they don’t have to redo all the signage but it’s their decision to make as a group. If they voted on it and two voted for it, and the other two voted against it, I wouldn’t even step in and break the tie. I don’t get involved with their interests.

The point I’m trying to make is that Michael Jordackson can have his own solo career after his stint with “The Jordackson 5” and I will fully support that decision. Or he can be a shooting guard at UNC and get drafted 3rd overall by the Chicago Bulls. The possibilities are endless.

He can decide to play minor league baseball for a year if he feels like it for all I care. It’s his life.

So naturally, I have no idea what people are talking about when they say I’ve made an amalgamation of Jordan and Jackson’s names when I named my son. Who is Michael Jordan and Michael Jackson anyway? Am I pronouncing that right? I’ve literally never heard of them before. Put me under a lie detector test if you don’t believe me. It would be an expensive way to make a machine draw a perfectly straight line but I’ll submit to it.

I swear on Michael Jordackson’s life that I don’t know Michael Jordan or Michael Jackson.

I couldn’t even name one Michael Jackson song or a single number on Michael Jordan’s jersey. If you gave me ten guesses I could probably name one number since there are only nine single-digit numbers but it would still take like three or four guesses. If I went in order counting up from one to nine, I’d guess it pretty quickly but I’d have no prior knowledge that would inform me to do it that way. I only know that now because I just saw a poster of him in my son’s room. That’s how little I’m aware of these gentlemen.

Sure, I’ve probably heard a Michael Jackson song before and didn’t know it. I’ll give you that. But even then I couldn’t sing along with it and get every single word correct. I could kind’ve mumble the same sounding words with a half-second delay so I can hear where he’s going with it. If you consider that “knowing him” then yeah I guess I’m guilty of knowing him. But if you’re rational you’d see I’m a novice when it comes to knowledge of famous Michaels.

In fact, I already forget who we were even talking about because the names are so unfamiliar to me. Was it Ike Jorbin and Michael Jabsick? Jipe Morgan? Eiffel Laskin? Pipe hole Ordinance? Bike Basket? Cripe Store-Bin? Rife Elastic? Lysol Boarskin? My Old Laxative?