Where The Wild Things Are

The very thought of this book existing turns my stomach like sour wine. If a copy ever dares cross my path again I will stab it 19 times, the same amount it took to kill Giuliano. Max could have been a great and terrible ruler. He successfully intimidated the wild things into servitude and used his newfound power to enjoy playful romps around the jungle. Unfortunately, he allowed loneliness to creep into his heart and gave up his position of power. He is simple-minded, and has allowed himself to be dominated by his immediate needs. I give this opus 3 out of 5 stars. Max would have been rewarded with a perfect 5-star review, but his cowardice in the face of tribulation was more than I could bear.

Guess How Much I Love You?

“Love” is a means to an end and should be used only for deceitful means in the hunt for increased power. Love is a Prince, but fear? Fear is king. I once loved Florence, just as Big Nutbrown Hare loved Little Nutbrown Hare. But my tale of love ended when the Medici family suspected me of conspiracy and exiled me to my father's small property in San Casciano. Little Nutbrown Hare understands that his father’s love can be used to manipulate his actions. The book ends on a cliffhanger, but I am certain Little Nutbrown Hare turns his father into a war machine that brings Little Nutbrown Hare troves of power. A cautious 5 stars.

Charlotte’s Web

Immediately after reading this pathetic book, I threw it from the top of the Duomo, where it landed upon and killed a Political Realist walking by. Charlotte should have bit the pig and drained him for all he was worth. Instead, she dies after giving birth, like a coward. Pigs should either be caressed or crushed, and Charlotte made the mistake of choosing to have empathy for the weak hog. In the end, it’s the Wilbur’s of the world who will be allowed to walk on the upper bridge of the Ponte Vecchio. I award this book 1 weak dying star.

The Very Hungry Caterpillar

The ambitious young caterpillar perfectly captures the essence of being the New Prince. After eating his way through bigger and more difficult obstacles, he is purified in the chrysalis of fear and emerges more powerful than ever. A truly inspiring story, but one that leaves me wondering, will the New Prince stabilize his power and secure a more enduring political structure? A terrific tale, 5 glorious stars.

James and The Giant Peach

The real hero of this story, surprisingly, is not young James, but rather the Rhinoceros. This blood-thirsty vulgar beast, that grows more powerful through terrorizing his victims, understands violence is always necessary to establish power. A 4-star review would suit this book.

The Story of Babar, The Little Elephant

The only way to become king of the empire you were exiled from is to slip a poisonous mushroom to your grandfather and marry your cousin. Babar has stolen my heart. He’s the only character who truly understands how to take advantage of situations and capture power whenever it presents itself. A triumphant 5-star review.

The Giving Tree

The boy uses fraud to deceive the tree into giving him more and more of itself until the tree becomes a boat. I’m assuming the boy will use this boat to sail to another country and conquer it. It’s refreshing to read a book that really understands the ways in which one should attain power. The ends always justify the means. 5 stars.

Goodnight Moon

I hate that the rabbit spent so much time wishing her inanimate objects “good night” and spent no time discussing the theory that an imaginary ideal society is not a model by which a prince should orient himself. Sure, wish the moon a goodnight, but can we please discuss the absurdity of Plato and Aristotle's political idealism? I award this book 0 stars and wish to injure this rabbit, in such a way that I will not have to fear their vengeance.