What’s up scumbag! Oop, didn’t mean to scare you. Put that switchblade away you rascal, it’s only me. Gosh look at those stars. Summer nights, huh? No crew better to share it with than the best killers and thieves in the criminal underworld.

Anywho, I know we’ve only known each other a couple months but I feel like we’ve really connected. From those arson parties to company retreats to table-topping old people. That one unforgettable night out (karaoke!). We’ve had some good times. But I couldn’t help but notice the other day while we were ripping down “Lost Dog” posters that you still haven’t saved me in your phone. I was craning to see if you laughed at the Minions meme I sent and saw my contact name was just my number with “Maybe: Neil” under it.

No biggie! Just wanted to check in on… why the hesitation? Is– Is it me…? If you think I’m just a workplace colleague let me assure you I’m no fair-weather felon. I’d kill for you. Die for you. Extort local government officials for you. Granted all that was in our initiation code, but I’d do that regardless. You’re just that cool of a dude.

You should know I live by a few principles: I never talk to the police, I love committing acts of violence, and I’m a worthwhile compadre.

After that shakedown with my less-than-stellar leg-breaking ability, you were really supportive. I barely left a bruise on that corrupt comptroller, but you took me to the back alley and showed me the best methods of getting leverage. I really appreciated that one-on-one time man. I got pretty good on crutches during recovery too.

The group chat is a hoot and ragging on one another is what gets me through those all-night stakeouts. So, just curious, every time you see a number sending Sopranos quotes and cat gifs, do you just know that’s me? Like, why not put a name to the killer content floating through your feed? There’s not another group chat with everyone except me, right? Sort of a long pause there… No! No, okay I didn’t think so. I’m kinda spiraling, sorry.

There’s no honor among thieves, but there are deep-seated abandonment issues. You could quell that by accepting my iMessage 8 Ball games.

If I can be honest, seeing you have Bill saved in your phone and not me did sting a bit, especially since he joined after I did. I know that each criminal underlings’ relationship with one another is different, but Bill kinda sucks. He won’t shut up about the new season of Bosch and whenever he threatens someone, he does it in an Italian accent. First, random, and second, he’s not even Italian and that’s problematic.

Look, I love identity theft and impersonating an officer of the law as much as the next rogue, but in this case, my name means something. Without getting too deep, creating a contact profile isn’t just a demonstration of our friendship, it’s an acknowledgment. A commitment to another reprobate. A sign of respect.

Anyways, I’ll let you finish dousing the enemy’s car in gasoline, but just wanted to speak my peace. If we make it out of this turf war, let me know if there’s anything I can do to be a better friend! I’m going to earn that spot in your phone, bud.