Two months into my relationship with Jen I started to get bored.
She didn't have any hobbies or interests, so beyond numbly watching reality TV, and the occasional sex, we didn't do much together. She wasn't ugly or anything, but nothing about her particularly stood out either. She was plainly pretty.
I had planned on breaking up with her that week, but that's when she changed everything.
One fateful night she actually suggested that we go out to a bar. It was an OK time. Nothing spectacular happened, but we did end up having lots to drink, so despite my impending boredom, we were all over each other by the time we got home.
We were in the middle of making out when suddenly she stopped. With a big grin she told me to wait. She bounced down the hallway chirping, "I have a surprise for you."
I laid back on the bed expecting a blowjob or something equally as banal. I stared at the ceiling until I heard her walking back singing, "Close your eyes and open your hand."
I figured I'd just go with whatever she put in my hand. How crazy could it be? A dildo or something, maybe?
I felt the bed springs creak under her weight beside me, expecting just about anything. I never expected the cold, heavy weight of a grenade in my hand.
She wrapped my fingers around the metal ovoid and I jolted up, startled. The grenade felt incredibly real, but I couldn't believe it. It must have been some silly joke. I was about to let it go when she clutched my hand and teased, "Nuh, uh, uh. If you let go of that, we'll go boom boom."
I longed for the grenade. The sound of the metal from the pin sliding against the inside.She spoke in sexy baby-talk, which I hated before, but with the adrenaline from holding a live grenade, it was the sexiest thing I'd ever heard.
She planted her lips on mine and groped me all over. All while I held a deadly grenade. We made love for hours with that grenade clutched in my hand. Finally, after we both came, she slid the pin back in.
From that moment on I was hooked.
The rest of our relationship was pure electricity. At first we reserved the grenade exclusively for weekends, but soon it was every day of the week. It got to the point where whenever we'd see each other she'd make me hold the grenade, even if we weren't having sex. Sometimes she would make me wait on the grenade, never knowing when or if it would ever come. The waiting was the part that really got me. I longed for the grenade. The sound of the metal from the pin sliding against the inside.
Beyond that she was still no more interesting than before, and she got pretty nasty and naggy, but that grenade made us exciting, and spontaneous. A force to be reckoned with. I could have been with her forever.
We started discussing me holding the grenade even when I wasn't with her, but I told her I wasn't ready for that, even if I kind of wanted it.
The main crux of our relationship may have been surface level, and dangerous, but some people don't even have anything good in their relationship. All they have is the bad stuff, so what's so wrong with ours?
We've found something that works for us. Maybe your relationship is about sharing the same hobbies or values, or making each other laugh, but for us it's explosives.
What could be so wrong with that?
* * *
If you're reading this, it's because the grenade accidentally blew up and killed me.
It also killed Jenn.
I'm so sorry to leave my family and friends in this way, but please know I died in the most amazing relationship I've ever known, though ultimately I would not recommend this.
Goodbye dear friends.