“With President Biden’s nearly $2 trillion stimulus bill moving toward passage, Senator Ron Johnson brought proceedings to a halt on Thursday by demanding that Senate clerks recite the 628-page plan word by word.” —“Action on Stimulus Bill Halts as Senate Clerks Read All 628 Pages Aloud” The New York Times, March 4, 2021

Hi there! We’re here to tell you about an exciting new way to make your events un-for-gettable. It’s called the Ron Johnson Read-Aloud (the RJRA for short), and it’s the hottest new trend in curated social experiences.

For a very reasonable fee, Ron Johnson will attend your next event and demand that the lowest-paid people in the room read voluminous texts aloud and to completion. You’re probably thinking, “Oh … my … God … FUN!” We know, right. Let’s look at some of the many times in your life where a RJRA could really spice things up.

Weddings

Wish your wedding day would never end? With Ron Johnson’s help, it almost won’t. Don’t choose just a handful of readings for your ceremony. “Love is patient,” so your Great Aunt Myrtle will now be reading the whole Bible, cover to cover, with all the weird, cringe-worthy stuff receiving equal airtime. How can you possibly expect your marriage to last if you don’t know who begat Booz of Rachab? It was Salmon. (Coincidentally, “salmon” will also be the most-spoiled dinner entrée when you finally make it to the wedding reception.)

Annual Checkups

Don’t you just hate it when you have to wait an hour in your doctor’s office and then, when you finally get in to see her, the whole appointment lasts only five minutes. Well not anymore, friend! Ron Johnson will accompany you to your next routine physical and insist that a member of the custodial staff recite Gray’s Anatomy from table of contents through index and then, just to be safe, perform all of the scripts from 17 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy as a one-man show. So what if Mrs. McCluskey has gone into cardiac arrest in the waiting room. By the time you’re done with this RJRA experience, you’ll practically be your own doctor.

Dinners Out

Nothing says romance like gazing lovingly into your partner’s eyes for hours while the tween busboy at Applebee’s serenades you with the ingredients and nutrition facts for every item on their menu. For a premium, Ron Johnson will hover next to your table and make sure that minimum-wage late bloomer doesn’t skip a single highly-processed beat. As an added bonus, this option has proven especially popular with dieters.

Christmas

Sure, Santa’s made his list and checked it twice, but has he made non-union elf laborers read it out loud from “Aaron” to “Zoey”? Don’t worry. Your children will love receiving nothing in December and then a small, unwrapped piece of coal delivered sometime the following August. If you schedule far enough in advance, Ron Johnson will be in your living room on Augustmas® morning, standing next to your long-decrepit Douglas fir, ready to extol the virtues of coal by forcing your kids to read every bill he’s voted for that would fully deregulate carbon emissions.

Call now to reserve your own RJRA! Our operators are standing by.

Please call now, otherwise Ron Johnson will make us recite all the Yellow Pages from the Reagan years.

Disclaimer: Ron Johnson will not read anything aloud himself during your Ron Johnson Read-Aloud experience. We don’t know what gave you that idea.


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