Valentine’s Day may not be a Christian holiday (any date a Christian Bale movie is released), but it’s one worth celebrating, especially if you’re single. We compiled a list of great date suggestions for you and the person most important in your life: Also You.
Visit The Zoo
Unusually new to the scene? I’m an absolutely huge animal liker (minus chimpanzees) and love to visit the zoo. The animal kingdom accepts open displays of weeping, and a zoo's inhabitants know how fortunate they are to be paired up in effortless companionship.
Be warned that the human staff may reject your prediction that chimpanzees rise up in the future (but of course, they would, they’re on their side). It’s a “Recommend” from me (but that changes if I’m right about the Apepocalypse).
Treat Yourself to A Dinner Out
Now I don’t believe in the female orgasm—it’s a myth, like Sasquatch, or the male orgasm—but if I did I imagine it would be like eating Italian food. Every city has an Italian restaurant (except for Italy—there, they’re just called “restaurants”).
And, sure; eating alone could give you the same feeling someone has when they realize that Scientology isn't for them (but they’ve committed too much money to it already, and it would look bad if they backed out now—they might meet Tom, or at the very least get to a point where their fling with Scientology gets interesting, but not too interesting), but your future self will thank you for the leftover pizza. “Raccomando!”
Night In with the Parents
Your parents might protest and point out you don’t need to arrange a night, since you “now live with them,” but ignore that—secretly they’re thrilled to watch The Fugitive on TNT with you. Mega “Recommend!”
Sing Afternoon Karaoke
The sooner you go, the lower the prices, the faster the wait times, and the emptier the rooms- is there a better karaoke setup? Insider tip: find one close by so that you don’t need your stepmom to pick you up. I came in like a REC’ing Ball! Another “Recommend” from me!
Crash a Random Wedding
Nothing says “I’m Not Giving Up On Us” like crashing a wedding. Not technically something you can choose, but I like ones with huge dance floors large enough to pull off a desperate choreographed plea to your ex before they sign the wedding contract.
I make an impression at these: I turn up late-styles, all eyes on me as I grab a chair, spin it reversies, and plop down with legs wide and arms folded like, “Remember me? Hope you brought your seatbelts.”
Extra points for a compassionate waitstaff that serves you dinner even though you weren't on the list. “Recommend!”
Plan a Solo Camping Trip
For six days I was hunted by a red squirrel who terrorized me to the point I experienced what Doctor Cheeks (a grey squirrel I just started seeing for therapy) confirmed was a cocktail of near-permanent hysteria and ego death.
Visit a Local Coffee Shop
Nothing beats sipping a latte at your favorite coffee shop. One moment you might be quietly informing the baristas that both bathrooms are out of order, and the next you’re locking eyes with someone across the café and realizing you saw them at a book reading months ago. Maybe they’ll ask you if “you were that guy the bookstore kicked out for destroying both bathrooms,” and your instinct will be to deny it like you did in the bookstore, but maybe you’re compelled… Maybe, for once in your life, you’re honest with someone. And not to get anything out of them, just… To feel what it’s like to be honest. Vulnerable, even.
So you’ll tell them, “Yeah. I was that guy.”
It feels good.
You’ll realize you should’ve been honest a long time ago, especially with someone who asked you to be. And you’ll forgive yourself, because now is just as good a time as any to start.
In the coffee shop, that same person might ask if you ended up seeing a doctor, and you’ll be honest again and say, “No, it’s been like that my entire life.” And they’ll say “No way.” And you’ll say “No, seriously, it’s… I’m just like that every day,” and they’ll say, “That’s fucked up, you should see a doctor,” and as they walk away you’ll smile and say, “Yeah.”
You’ll feel good.
And you’ll go back to the baristas and tell them, “Yeah, so, I destroyed both bathrooms?”