Your entire reputation on the block can be made during the carpool ride to school. And in some cases, one misstep from our well-intentioned parents is enough to expel you from the sleepover invite list. Here is my definitive list of the best carpool options on the block.

4. Jenny’s Mom

Ms. Consuela is a single, working mom. Bless her heart. And while all I wish for in life is that Ms. Consuela finds love, that doesn’t mean I want to drive in her car every 4th day.

First off, it’s smelly. Every time I get into her car my nostrils are being assaulted by whatever gallon of milk she forgot to get out of the truck from the night before. Comfort is a top priority when it comes to these carpool rankings.

Ms. Consuela always seems to be in a rush. Sure, she has to get to work, but I’m afraid if she doesn’t slow down to look at the trees, she’ll miss it. I heard that in a movie. Anyway, she ran a red light last week and I’m scared for my life.

Our gym teacher Mr. Griffin is also single, I know because he always talks about his divorce before we’re allowed to go play kickball. If we can get them together: 2 birds,1 stone.

3. Lisa’s dad

Mr. Hardaway is a Lyft driver. Here is what that means: top-notch amenities.

Unlimited water bottles. Sometimes I get water just to get my money’s worth. I end up throwing it away because I don’t drink things that aren’t the color red. Only Gatorade and tomato juice for me.

Aux hook-up. Nobody can DJ like a bunch of 8-year-olds. I stick with classic rock, mainly the Jonas Brothers’ back catalog.

Unsolicited life advice. Mr. Hardaway is right: I don’t need to go to school to get a job in finance that I hate. I should drop out and follow my passion for making Youtube videos.

The only downside is the dad jokes. While this may not be an issue with his burgeoning kickboxing academy he is trying to open, it doesn’t bode well for an enjoyable car ride.

2. My mom

Okay, maybe I’m biased, but I think my mom puts on a show. Here’s what you need to know about Diana: she’s an entertainer. The car is always laughing, or singing, or discussing the poetry of Taylor Swift.

Occasionally I get embarrassed. Like that time when she told Jenny that I had a crush on her. But even then, I got a kiss out of it. Sure kissing in front of your mom is not ideal, but you take what you can get.

1. Daryl’s Dad

Andre (he wants us to call him Andre) is a retired bassist for some band I’ve never heard of. This is the hottest ticket in town. Andre lets us listen to explicit rap songs, nothing starts the day off right like the ‘F’ word and cleverly described adult situations.

Andre sometimes smells like a skunky plant. I’m not sure if that’s a new cologne, but because I know how cool he is I will unconsciously gravitate to that smell in high school.

The other thing that makes Daryl the hero of the block: Andre drives a Volkswagen GTI—4-seater. That means Lisa has to find her own way to get to school. Don’t feel bad though, I think her dad has free ride credits she can use.


Community: View our Submissions page for article and list guidelines.
Education: Punch up your comedy writing and technique with PIC's Coaching and Feedback.