Hello, you reached the office of Doctor Judah Maccabee. The office is now closed.

If this is a medical emergency or if suspicious men are breaking into your place of worship and erecting offensive statutes, hang up and dial 911. Please be aware that while the doctor’s name might be identical to a famous army general, any resemblance to that guy is purely incidental. He can not answer questions related to ambushing. His knowledge is limited strictly to cosmetic procedures, during office hours only.

This office is part of the “Rebellion” health conglomerate. We are not engaged in any sort of revolt against a horrible king named Antiochus. So we kindly ask that you respect our practice and do not show up here on horseback unless you need the doctor to expertly sew back on a finger. Please do not fax us paperwork to get you exempt from military service. We also can’t help you get a handicapped parking spot from injuries sustained on the “battleground.” But we can give you a great deal on skin grafts.

Our hours of operation are 9 AM to 6 PM on weekdays, 11 to 2 on weekends, including the week of Hanukkah. However, like every other practice, we are closed the week of Christmas, so if you need to make an appointment, please schedule now. Dr. Maccabee is not going into hiding from enemies, but as a general note, he can’t answer questions like, “What do I do if I accidentally ate pork?”

We are a nondiscriminatory practice and do not have anything against the Greeks or Syrians. We treat everyone equally, as long as we take their insurance. But generally, we only take private, high-deductible plans.

For prescription refills, press 1, but as of today, everything’s on backorder. No one here can make your last drop of amoxicillin last for another eight days like the oil of the temple’s menorah. Dr. Maccabee is a Medical Doctor. Not a Miracle Director. But he can use advanced cosmetic procedures to make you look suspiciously like Charleton Heston in Ben-Hur.

If you are a pharmaceutical rep, press 2. Please note that we do not want you to bring us homemade latkes as a bribe to get us to prescribe the diabetic drug Ozempic as a quick weight-loss solution. We don’t want people losing weight through artificial means. We want people getting liposuction.

If you need to reach the doctor, press 4 to leave a message and we’ll call you back. Do not send footmen to his house at midnight to ask for advice on circumcision.

For billing, press 5, and for the record, we prefer if you pay out of pocket in real money, not chocolate Hanukkah gelt. We require payment be made in full or else you will be subject to an army of collection officers, which is way more powerful than the Hellenistic troops. If you can’t pay your bill because you “lost all your money in some sketchy dreidel game,” that’s not our problem. Don’t even think about asking us to waive the payment. That’ll make us draw our swords and fight you to the death.

Thank you for calling the office of Judah Maccabee, M.D. And Happy Hanukkah to all who celebrate—especially the other Maccabee.