Welcome to Family & Friends Pvt. Ltd. Congratulations on reaching the final interview round! This means that you’re really close. Job wise and DNA wise. As you probably already know, most of these questions are just a legal formality to reassure the lawyers of our fair hiring practices. So let’s just dive right into it, yeah?
How did you hear about us? From cousin Annie at Thanksgiving or cousin Tom at Christmas?
Tell me a little bit about your background? No no, not your college. I meant your family background. Are you from the CEO’s father’s side or mother’s?
What kind of mentorship are you looking for at our company? We make sure that all our employees have regular check-ins with the CEO. These are usually held at a cousin’s birthday party. Given the number of cousins we have here, that number is higher than you would think.
What would you say your strengths are? Hey, don’t look so worried. We are more than happy to create a position that matches your skill set. Last month, we hired our Senior Executive’s younger sister as an “Instagram Filter Analyst”—a position that was specifically designed with her HIGH5test strengths in mind.
Where do you see yourself in five years? And by that I mean, do you see yourself moving in with your great grand uncle and living by his rules?
What was your designation at your previous job? Ah, I see it here. This says that you were a Junior Account Manager for wow, six years. Well, you’ll be happy to hear that we promote our employees even when they aren’t qualified for the position. Remember, to get a promotion, all you need to do is get into the good books of the CEO’s wife.
What salary package do you have in mind? You should know that we significantly overpay all our employees. We’re more than happy to do the same with you as long as you let our in-house legal team draft your will.
What unique quality will you bring to the team? We’re good on the exceptional math gene. I was actually hoping that you’d inherited the creative gene from the other side of the family. We do need designers who can align their creative abilities with our unscrupulous ways.
Do you consider yourself to be a team player? You should be able to break bread (and the law) with your colleagues. We’re all a family here. And unlike other companies, we don’t just say it. We really mean it. The chances of your real wife being your ‘work wife’ are 100%.
Are you willing to work weekends? We assure you that this will not affect your personal time with your loved ones. In fact if anything, it’ll help you spend more time with them.
Are you willing to start on a three-month trial period? That gives us time to observe your performance and gauge your suitability for the role. We don’t want someone who doesn’t show up at every Sunday brunch—loyalty is key at our company.
Have you ever snitched on a coworker? Here at Family & Friends Pvt. Ltd, we believe that blood is thicker than water. It’s also thicker than the folder with the names of cops we have on our payroll. I’m sure you know what our motto is? Aunts before attorneys, siblings before skill sets, and in-laws before laws.
Do you have any questions for me? Yes, I do manage all the hiring and the final decision is ultimately mine. No no, don’t be silly. I’m not HR. I’m the CEO’s son.
Wait, what did you say your surname was? We may have a problem. Your family tree doesn’t actually seem to match our eligibility criteria. But don’t worry. We at Family & Friends Pvt. Ltd, want to give all candidates an equal and fair shot, which is why we’re giving you 7 days to marry someone from the family. Once you’ve done that, send us an email to schedule another interview. Please don’t forget to attach the marriage certificate.
Oh yeah sure, you could send your resume too if you like.