Hi, I’m picking up a printing job. It’s for Dahmer, Katy Dahmer.

D-A-H-M-E-R. Exactly like that. Like Jeffrey Dahmer. Exactly like that because I'm his sister. The printing job is about 30 pages. It's the first act of a screenplay! Becky & Josh: A Like Story. Because sometimes it’s not a love story, it’s a “like story.” It's cute, right? I'm just trying my hand at this! I’m taking a screenwriting class!

So, the printing job! It has a title page: “Becky & Josh by Katy Dahmer.”

You’re thinking of the Green River Killer.

No, I'm sure. I'm sure. Jeffrey never killed ANY women. He killed men. By age 34, Jeffrey had killed 17 men. I'm 34 now and I'm just getting to my dream.

Can you imagine if Jeffrey Dahmer was 34 and only a third of the way through his first murder? You'd think to yourself: “Wow, he'll never be murderer. Why is he even trying? Pathetic!” I emailed at like 9 AM, so I'm surprised this printing job isn't done.

OK, I'm just going to address that you've been sort of frozen and scared ever since I said Jeffrey Dahmer is my brother. I get it. Don't you think I wish my brother was different, you know?

Why couldn't my brother have been, like, the BTK Killer? No one knows his name. I mean, I do. It's Dennis Rader, but that's something you just know if you're Jeffrey Dahmer's sister.

Yes, there's the screenplay. Thanks. On pink paper! You think I should use a pen name? You know I always loved the name Mason.

Mason Dahmer! Like androgynous? Kinda cool. Maybe!

I have time to write because I don't have to work. I've got so much money from interview fees for different Netflix docs. No, Jeffrey Dahmer doesn't make any money off those docs. He couldn't—he, my brother was murdered in prison for pretending a chicken wing was human flesh. I mean, I think it's kinda funny. To be honest, I think I got a lot of my sense of humor from my brother, Jeffrey Dahmer.

I guess you're right: I don't have to say his full name every time, but I like to be precise. I'm a writer. Actually, there's a scene in my script where Becky's eating chicken wings and—well, I don't want to spoil it, but it's really cute. Don't worry, there's not a scene where Becky systematically targets gay men of color, bludgeons them to death, rapes the corpses, takes sexually suggestive photos with a Polaroid camera, drills holes in her victims' skulls, fills them with acid, but then decapitates them to put their heads in the fridge to eat later? I'm saying that doesn't happen. I'm specifically saying that doesn't happen. Becky is actually afraid of refrigerators. That's part of her backstory.

But I take your overall note: this is a lot to put on the FedEx Kinkos girl. I should really text Fiona Wayne Gacy. That's John Wayne Gacy's sister. I know her phone number by heart. That's something you know if you're Jeffrey Dahmer's sister.