Step 1:

Jared enters his chambers and unzips his human skin-suit. This is a moment of perfect relaxation, much like when a human woman removes her bra at the end of a long day. He hangs the skin carefully on the Jared-shaped manikin and covers his true skin with a protective layer of mucus.

Step 2:

He inspects the skin for any small tears or blemishes that may have appeared in the course of his day spent pretending to build a border wall for the WIFE-FATHER and diving in and out of giant piles of money. Small eruptions are treated immediately with an astringent; holes are mended with invisible cauterization.

Step 3:

Physical cleansing. Jared avoids that “dead look” with copious amounts of foundation and blush, so he washes his face with both an oil-based cleanser and a fun, foamy face-wash he stole from a supply cart at the Chateau Mormont after he ate that one housekeeper.

Step 4:

Spiritual cleansing. Those who hate Jared and the WIFE-FATHER hurl curses and imprecations at him both in-person and online whenever possible; while their ability to truly harm him is close to non-existent, all the negative mojo could cause wrinkles. The curse-reverse incantations are not, strictly speaking, necessary, but it never hurts, so why not?

Step 5:


Step 6:

Application of a hydration serum derived from seaweed, algae, and the Forbidden Waters running deep under the White House, accessible only via chambers about which even the WIFE-FATHER knows nothing.

Step 7:

Jared has recently pivoted from hyaluronic acid to a substance sourced from the tears of residents of his poorly-maintained housing complexes and infused with vibrations from the screams of the souls trapped in his midnight snack cabinet. This substance is reported to be 10x more effective than retinol.

Step 8:

Night cream and preservative. When worn out or pressed for time, Jared will often blend these two steps, mixing the lipid-rich evening moisturizer with the industrial-grade formaldehyde necessary to keep his skin suit from decomposing.

Step 9:

Sealing the skin suit in its airtight night-coffin and reciting the Eventide Oath.

At this point, Jared slips into his night-skin, a softer, baggier version of his day-skin. Ivanka, the female half of the WIFE-FATHER, never notices the difference, since she’s usually occupied with gazing at herself in the mirror, practicing smiles that she hopes people will not recognize as “grimace-like” and “obviously forced.” Should she desire congress, the night-skin has an aperture in its lower half through which Jared can extend his genital-equivalent; these sessions require that her memory be wiped, but the healthy, powerful offspring produced make it more than worth the effort.

Jared’s Morning Skin Care Routine:

All of the above, plus SUNSCREEN!