Happy New Year. Don’t get too comfortable.
I have bad news.
Aunt Peggy is lurking right around the corner with her cache of photos from the holiday gatherings. Prepare to be tagged in some of the most unflattering photos known to man.
Why oh why does she do this? You could go ask her yourself, but I’d prefer you didn’t. Is Aunt Peggy a monster? Does Aunt Peggy work for TMZ? Instead, take my quiz and let’s settle it once and for all.
1) Is anyone ever looking at the camera when Aunt Peggy takes a picture?
- Yes, she yells something inappropriate like “Charlie Sheen said you drink tiger blood together…” before snapping off a photo of the confused reaction.
- Yeah, sometimes. It looks like the majority of the ones where someone is looking it’s through a kitchen window. Aunt Peggy can’t resist a pie on the window sill.
- No. No one is looking at the camera and no one is smiling. Even though all our memories of the event are happy, the pictures never reflect it.
- No, but strangely in the foreground in clear focus is a U-shape made by stacked meatballs next to the crockpot. Strange.
2) What percentage of Aunt Peggy photos appear to be what photographers call “candid” shots and how many are nice pictures?
- 100% candid photos. Even the 1-year old baby is snapped with her hand up as if to block out the flash and intrusive questions.
- 75% candid photos and 15% pictures of blurred floor or ceiling. 10% accidental videos of her just repeating over and over, “Where are the Mike and Ike candies?”
- 50% candid photos, and 50% smiling ones.
- 90% candid photos and there appears to be a good 10% that were shots of just the letter “G” made up of matches. It was repeated like 6 times.
3) What did you get Aunt Peggy for Christmas this year?
- A big box of steering clear.
- Well, she would have wanted me to get myself something nice. Plus, the other cousins always get her so much stuff I didn’t want to clutter up her house more. She still can’t find that 19 cat that went missing 2 months ago.
- A book that she has been wanting to read.
- A lovely sweater. I guess you could call it tie-dyed, but it’s wool and it’s treated with something that literally does not allow water to soak into it.
4) Does Aunt Peggy ever appear in photos?
- Never seen her in a picture. I’m not even sure if she really exists. Well aside from her Facebook feed of posting pictures of others.
- Yeah, but usually in a beekeeper outfit or hazmat suit.
- I’ve seen a couple. Aunt Peggy is perched in back of her grandchildren, lovingly staring at them in the photos.
- Yes, it’s strange though. The ones lately have been her signing the letter “L” with her hands. I thought it was fantastic that she’s learning a new language.
5) Does Aunt Peggy have extra money lying around?
- Yeah, off and on. It seems to correspond to when there is a really important family event. Like the family reunion where we all wore “Who’s Your Daddy” T-shirts with pictures of our fathers. She had extra funds for a while after that.
- No, quite the opposite. She tried to pay with seashells at Olive Garden last week. We all just laughed and laughed. Luckily, Aunt Peggy is quite the fast dishwasher.
- Not lying around. She buries all valuables in the backyard like sane people do.
- There was that one picture she shared where the dollar bills were stacked to form a “Y.” It was really unique.
If you answered mostly “a”s:
I’m sorry to inform you that you are an awful person. Your Aunt Peggy is a lovely person that is doing her best. Most of us can only dream of a family reunion shirt with such impressive taste. You hush your mouth and let your Aunt Peggy pinch your cheeks until you are 55 years old.
If you answered mostly “b”s:
I’m sorry to tell you that your Aunt Peggy is an awful person. I mean what? Seashells. What is this Sally’s seashore? Olive Garden is like family. You don’t treat family like that.
If you answered mostly “c”s:
I’m sorry to tell you that your Aunt Peggy works for the paparazzi. She has constructed a clever backstory and she might not even be your real aunt. Check your DNA and verify you aren’t royalty somewhere down the line. Trust me, I have a good feeling on this. Your whole life might be a ruse that she uses to cash in on.
If you answered mostly “d”s:
You should know that sweater was G-D awful and she is spelling out ugly sweater in photos on facebook to try to give you a hint. We ran out of questions to spell it all the way out. Let me cut to the chase here- give her gift cards next year.
No matter what drives her, let’s all agree to tackle her at the next function for an intervention.
Disclaimer: Not responsible for injuries to Aunts named Peggy. This is strictly for entertainment purposes.