We know you. You're not content sitting on the couch. You own a Patagonia Pullover Fleece. Adventure is calling! But staying inside doesn’t mean you can’t get out there.
Go spelunking in the dark and cavernous depths of your freezer.
Gear up for the cold in your Patagonia Pullover Fleece, and duct tape a flashlight to your head. Hoist as much of your body into your freezer as you can and see what treasures await. You might spy a lone Hot Pocket devoid of any packaging, the rotting bananas with which you will never make banana bread, or the severed head of a missing woman that your husband killed last August. Spooky!
Pack your bags, it’s time to go camping.
Prep ahead by opening a screen-less window to allow as many mosquitoes inside as possible. Spray your entire body with DEET, but be sure to miss most of your ankles. Whip out the can of Bush’s Baked Beans that has been in your cabinet since you moved in. Touch it as much as possible with your bug-sprayed hands so that it tastes like DEET. Before bed, place a small piece of bread in the back of your oven and turn it to 450° for that nice campfire smell. Turn off all the lights except for a flickery one, and point at it and say, “Is that the North Star?” Then use your Patagonia Pullover Fleece as a pillow and sleep on the kitchen floor.
Missing that summer sun? Bring the beach to you.
Lather yourself in sunscreen, put on your Patagonia Pullover Fleece, and roast yourself alive. Make yourself a turkey sandwich and pour five tablespoons of sand in the middle. Microwave a bottle of Miller Lite until it is too hot to be drinkable. Final step—jump in a bathtub filled with freezing cold water. Another beach day for the books!
It’s been a while since you got to go on a hike and then tell everyone that you love hiking.
Turn your own staircase into a mountain and blaze that trail. Pack up your heaviest water bottle and a Clif bar that sounds good but tastes like shit. Walk up and down your stairs until you want to throw yourself down them and die. Take a panorama photo at the top and lament to yourself that the picture “just doesn’t capture it the same.” Be sure to tie your Patagonia Pullover Fleece around your waist even though it’s not temperature appropriate, just so everyone knows that you have one.
For all those thrill-seekers out there, try out a DIY zipline.
Take some canola oil and pour it all over your shower rod. Then, tie one sleeve of your Patagonia Pullover Fleece to your shower rod and the other to your waist. It’s okay if the sleeve doesn’t securely tie around you, this will only add to that adrenaline rush. Then put on a bike helmet so you look ugly as fuck and zoom across your shower screaming loudly enough that your neighbors call the police.
If water activities are up your alley, try at-home kayaking.
Pick the smallest room of your home and pour buckets of water onto the floor until it is flooded. Next, get inside of an empty laundry basket and tape two spatulas together for your oar. Be sure to use your Patagonia Pullover Fleece to wrap up your DSLR camera you don’t know how to use in a make-shift waterproof knapsack. Just like the real thing, it won’t work! Row yourself around until your arms feel like they’re about to fall off, singing “Just Around the Riverbend” until you annoy even yourself.
You own a Patagonia Pullover Fleece. You don’t think, you do. That’s why you spent $200 on a glorified sweatshirt. Patagonia. Explore beyond your reach.
Did we mention it’s Patagonia?