Hahahaha! Oh hello, I didn’t see you there. I was just laughing about something else. You see, with me, it's always laughter. It’s good to laugh, no? Say it with me: it’s good to laugh.
But where are my manners? Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Rolph Le Mao, although my friends call me The Magnificent Lol. Oops! Did I say friends? I meant millions of fans around the world.
The reason I’m so loved and cherished and good-looking and loved? Simple! I’m a hypnotist comedian. No, you didn’t hear me wrong. The idea is funny in itself, isn’t it? You’re already laughing, aren’t you? You are.
But first, a little hastory. That’s history with a “ha!” Founded in the 17th century (by all accounts the funniest century), hypno-comedy is a time-honored profession whose only weakness is its name. Linguists around the world have tried to furnish our craft with a more appealing title—“mirth wizard,” “dream clown,” “grin reaper”—but to no avail. I mean can I get a little avail here folks?
But I digress! It’s a pleasure to have you here with me. A real pleasure. Aren’t you pleased? You are. Pleased and amused. Pleased and calm and impressed by me and amused.
And as we count down from five, we allow ourselves to become even more amused… Four, letting all of the non-amusement just gently melt away… Three, sinking deeper and deeper into a state of extreme glee… Two, emptying our minds of all non-joke material… and one, allowing everything to become perfectly still—but in a funny sort of way.
You are now more amused than you have ever been in your entire life. Everything I say strikes you as sharp, witty, and priceless. Like this, for example. Or how about this!
But gosh, look at the time. Literally. Look at this pocket watch swaying to and fro in front of you. Notice how, instead of numbers, all of the hours are tiny laughing emojis, while the minute and second hands are little Rodney Dangerfield ties. And engraved on the face of the watch are the words “Funny, right?” And of course, you agree that it’s a pretty funny watch.
Indeed, it’s more than funny. It’s hilarious.
And as you try to resist the laughter, the funnier my cute little watch and I become. You think you can hold it in, but those tick-tocking ties are so side-splittingly funny that the laughter is just waiting to pour out of you.
Now in a moment I’m going to look at my watch and say “TEA TIME,” and when I say “TEA TIME” and only when I say “TEA TIME” will it be time to pour out all of your laughter and frivoli-tea (no good?) into the room.
And as we count up from zero, we prepare ourselves to release the laughter… One, you’re starting to smile now… Two, no, friendlier than that… Three, yes, you’re cracking up!… Four, get those crumpets ready!… and five, you know what time it is.
Yes, my friends, let it all out. And as you release your last remaining chuckles, your life gradually returns to its not-very-funny form. You will have no memory of what happened here today—only that it was super-duper funny and that you owe me fifty bucks.