It’s not often you meet a dog who is also a professional architect, but today’s your lucky day. Nice place, by the way. Smells amazing. If you’re up for it, I’d love to offer my professional opinion of all the structural changes I’d make, though.

First, I’d knock out that exterior wall and install floor-to-ceiling windows. See, with your current design, there’s no way to know if someone is approaching from the east. Personally, I don’t think a homeowner should ever put himself in a situation like that.

Next, I’d take a look at your foundation under that south-facing wall, and if my guy gave me the go-ahead, I’d demo that as well, replacing it with all windows. I noticed on that side of the house, there is already one section that does have a window, which is a great instinct, but you forgot to install a cushioned surface underneath the window to sit and keep watch. So I’d convert that window into a bay window. Problem solved.

As far as the other exterior walls go, I think I’ve made my philosophy about unnecessary opacity pretty clear. Look, I don’t need to sell you too hard on this design concept, because there are only upsides to replacing every side of your home with windows, foremost of which is, you automatically extend your property line miles outward in every direction. Because as we all know, whatever you can see from your house, is your rightful domain. And if anyone enters your sightline, you’re allowed to yell at them as loud as you can. That’s just the rules.

Trust me, if I executed these changes to your home, your quality of life would improve drastically. Your rate of seeing approaching threats—both real and false—would skyrocket. Adrenaline would be coursing through your veins, 24/7. You can thank me later.

You’re probably thinking, Okay wow, this is a seriously great vision for a home, but if my house is all windows, where could I ever find a dark corner to curl up should I ever covet a piece of forbidden food or need to lick my own feet for a few hours? My clients ask me that all the time. The solution would be to build out a deck in the backyard with about three feet of clearance underneath, where the dirt floor would remain cold and damp at all times. Totally suitable if you need to carve out some “me time.” And down the line, also perfect in case the Mrs. ever gets pregnant. At the end of the day, I want your home to suit your family for decades to come, even if I’ll be far upstate by then.

You seem like a savvy customer. Sure, these building plans are music to your ears, but I’m sure you’re wondering about price. Don’t worry, I didn’t get into architecture for the money. Really—I don’t accept money. My receptionist can send you a formal estimate, but my guess is a project of this size will run you around thirty belly rubs and maybe five to ten “dat’s a good boy”s.

If you’re interested, just drop by my office. (I designed it myself so I’ll see you coming from miles away, like God intended.)

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