Say hello to Gamora, a miraculous new drug that may reduce the signs and symptoms of moderate to severe rheumatoid arthritis. If you suffer from moderate to severe rheumatoid arthritis, do yourself a favor and get yourself some Gamora right now (after talking to your doctor, of course). This shit will literally change your life.

But before you try it, you should know about a few possible side effects…

Now, keep in mind that there are dozens of people who take Gamora and don’t experience any side effects at all. You may very well be one of these lucky people. But also keep in mind that some people do, in fact, experience side effects. Which will you be? Who can say? Not us, that’s for sure. If we could predict the future we’d be laying bets at the track right now, not going over some boring-ass list of side effects, hahaha. But since nobody can predict the future, we suggest you just suck it up, try some Gamora (after talking to your doctor, of course), and see what happens. Take a goddamn chance for once in your life, is all we’re saying.

Anyway, you should know about the possible side effects. Not to be alarmist, but some of them are pretty scary and/or deadly. So please pay attention to this next part.

Side effects of Gamora include:

  • Heart palpitations
  • Sudden gayness
  • Restless ass syndrome
  • Crotch creep
  • Bees’ knees (bees swarm around your knees and sting them repeatedly)
  • Loss of precious bodily fluids
  • An overwhelming compulsion to drive into oncoming traffic
  • Ingrown elbows
  • The constant feeling that your pants are falling down even though they’re not
  • Brain shits
  • A sudden and fanatical love for all things Guy Fieri
  • Hearing loss, hearing gain (things get louder)
  • An uncontrollable urge to make the “okay” hand signal whenever you say anything
  • A refusal to eat any food except coleslaw

Basically, there are some potential risks to taking Gamora.

Other side effects include crippling feelings of anxiety, insecurity, and self-loathing, but you already have those feelings pretty much all the time anyway so no big deal, right? Hahaha.

A few people who have used Gamora have had their eyeballs fall out of their sockets. We admit this is pretty horrifying, but it’s only happened to a few people, so what are the chances it’ll happen to you? Pretty slim, we’d say. After all, when was the last time anything noteworthy happened to you? Yeah, that’s what we thought.

In rare cases, but not as rare as we’d like if we’re being perfectly honest, Gamora can cause death. But then again, isn’t suffering from the signs and symptoms of moderate to severe rheumatoid arthritis already a kind of living death anyway? Have some perspective, is all we’re saying.

Other side effects include:

  • Full body shrinkage
  • Scrotal seizures
  • Having lifelike visions of the Aztec god Quetzalcoatl
  • Having actual physical visitations from Quetzalcoatl
  • Sudden blindness
  • Gradual blindness
  • “Just-right” blindness (not too sudden, not too gradual)
  • Fear of pancakes
  • Speaking in the cold, bloodless monotone of a psychopathic serial killer

In some cases, people who take Gamora lose all their hair, and then, a few weeks later, colorful feathers grow back in place of hair. Depending on your personality, this could be an unwanted side effect or a pretty cool one. If you’re really into Phish, say, you and your hippie friends might really dig your new head of rainbow feathers.

In extremely rare cases, some people who use Gamora experience a sublime feeling of total bliss and oneness with the universe. So that’s something for you to shoot for. Aim high for a change, is all we’re saying.

Ask your doctor if Gamora is right for you. If your doctor says it is, wow, that’s a pretty ballsy doctor you’ve got there. I mean, this shit can literally kill you. Congratulations on having a doctor who isn’t afraid to look straight into the abyss and say, “Fuck it, we’re going in.”

On the other hand, if your doctor says Gamora isn’t for you, consider finding a doctor who isn’t such a goddamn wuss. I mean, come on.

For a full list of side effects, you can go to

But you don’t want to do that, trust us. What you really want to do is get your hands on some Gamora as soon as possible. So go ahead, tell your (hopefully non-wuss) doctor you want some. And don’t take no for an answer, okay? Stand up for yourself for once in your life, geez.

If you do take Gamora, which you should definitely do (after talking to your non-wuss doctor, of course), and you experience unwanted side effects, ask your doctor about Nomora, a new drug designed to reduce many of the signs and symptoms of Gamora-related side effects with just three easy-to-administer intramuscular injections and four suppositories a day.

And if you experience any unwanted side effects from Nomora, hang in there—we’re currently working on an exciting new drug that will completely change your goddamn life.