Should horses be allowed to practice medicine? Here’s a quick cost-benefit analysis.


  • They have a calming bedside manner.
  • They are good listeners.
  • They charge less money than their human counterparts.


  • They have no formal medical training.
  • They are easily spooked.
  • They do not have opposable thumbs, which means that they cannot hold scalpels.
  • They are not intelligent enough to cure diseases.
  • They cannot fit into doctor’s scrubs.
  • It is hard for them to go upstairs, so if you’re on the second floor of a hospital they will be unable to treat you.
  • They do not understand English.
  • They are not interested in pursuing a medical career.
  • They cannot write prescriptions for life-saving drugs.
  • Their heads are too big for stethoscopes.
  • They are not allowed to study at reputable medical schools.
  • Their tails are unsanitary.
  • They do not fully grasp the complex intricacies of human anatomy.
  • If they are wearing metal horseshoes, they cannot perform CAT scans.
  • They are not licensed by the state.
  • Many horses can become aggressive, especially if they are trapped in an enclosed space with a stranger that they don’t recognize.
  • They cannot administer shots.
  • They are not immunized to many of the diseases that they will be exposed to on a daily basis.
  • They are horses.
  • They cannot fit through many standard hospital doorways.
  • They cannot fit into ambulances.
  • They are unable to coordinate their own schedules.
  • Farms are not near hospitals so their commutes will be lengthy.
  • They cannot operate telephones.
  • They do not use human restrooms or, indeed, any restrooms at all.
  • They are bad at treating psychological disorders.
  • Their mouths are unsanitary.
  • They cannot use Band-Aids.
  • They are unable to dispose of harmful, used needles.
  • They have a shorter lifespan than most human doctors.
  • They cannot deliver babies.
  • They cannot read medical charts.
  • They are used to living in fields so linoleum floors will be bad for their hooves.
  • Their eyes cannot see the color red, which is the color of blood.
  • They would have a much higher fatality rate than their human counterparts.

Still think horses should be allowed to become doctors? Comment with your thoughts!

Join upcoming November classes in Satire Writing, Sketch Writing, and Stand-Up Joke Writing.