Should horses be allowed to practice medicine? Here’s a quick cost-benefit analysis.
- They have a calming bedside manner.
- They are good listeners.
- They charge less money than their human counterparts.
- They have no formal medical training.
- They are easily spooked.
- They do not have opposable thumbs, which means that they cannot hold scalpels.
- They are not intelligent enough to cure diseases.
- They cannot fit into doctor’s scrubs.
- It is hard for them to go upstairs, so if you’re on the second floor of a hospital they will be unable to treat you.
- They do not understand English.
- They are not interested in pursuing a medical career.
- They cannot write prescriptions for life-saving drugs.
- Their heads are too big for stethoscopes.
- They are not allowed to study at reputable medical schools.
- Their tails are unsanitary.
- They do not fully grasp the complex intricacies of human anatomy.
- If they are wearing metal horseshoes, they cannot perform CAT scans.
- They are not licensed by the state.
- Many horses can become aggressive, especially if they are trapped in an enclosed space with a stranger that they don’t recognize.
- They cannot administer shots.
- They are not immunized to many of the diseases that they will be exposed to on a daily basis.
- They are horses.
- They cannot fit through many standard hospital doorways.
- They cannot fit into ambulances.
- They are unable to coordinate their own schedules.
- Farms are not near hospitals so their commutes will be lengthy.
- They cannot operate telephones.
- They do not use human restrooms or, indeed, any restrooms at all.
- They are bad at treating psychological disorders.
- Their mouths are unsanitary.
- They cannot use Band-Aids.
- They are unable to dispose of harmful, used needles.
- They have a shorter lifespan than most human doctors.
- They cannot deliver babies.
- They cannot read medical charts.
- They are used to living in fields so linoleum floors will be bad for their hooves.
- Their eyes cannot see the color red, which is the color of blood.
- They would have a much higher fatality rate than their human counterparts.
Still think horses should be allowed to become doctors? Comment with your thoughts!