Should horses be allowed to practice medicine? Here’s a quick cost-benefit analysis.

PROS:

  • They have a calming bedside manner.
  • They are good listeners.
  • They charge less money than their human counterparts.

CONS:

  • They have no formal medical training.
  • They are easily spooked.
  • They do not have opposable thumbs, which means that they cannot hold scalpels.
  • They are not intelligent enough to cure diseases.
  • They cannot fit into doctor’s scrubs.
  • It is hard for them to go upstairs, so if you’re on the second floor of a hospital they will be unable to treat you.
  • They do not understand English.
  • They are not interested in pursuing a medical career.
  • They cannot write prescriptions for life-saving drugs.
  • Their heads are too big for stethoscopes.
  • They are not allowed to study at reputable medical schools.
  • Their tails are unsanitary.
  • They do not fully grasp the complex intricacies of human anatomy.
  • If they are wearing metal horseshoes, they cannot perform CAT scans.
  • They are not licensed by the state.
  • Many horses can become aggressive, especially if they are trapped in an enclosed space with a stranger that they don’t recognize.
  • They cannot administer shots.
  • They are not immunized to many of the diseases that they will be exposed to on a daily basis.
  • They are horses.
  • They cannot fit through many standard hospital doorways.
  • They cannot fit into ambulances.
  • They are unable to coordinate their own schedules.
  • Farms are not near hospitals so their commutes will be lengthy.
  • They cannot operate telephones.
  • They do not use human restrooms or, indeed, any restrooms at all.
  • They are bad at treating psychological disorders.
  • Their mouths are unsanitary.
  • They cannot use Band-Aids.
  • They are unable to dispose of harmful, used needles.
  • They have a shorter lifespan than most human doctors.
  • They cannot deliver babies.
  • They cannot read medical charts.
  • They are used to living in fields so linoleum floors will be bad for their hooves.
  • Their eyes cannot see the color red, which is the color of blood.
  • They would have a much higher fatality rate than their human counterparts.

Still think horses should be allowed to become doctors? Comment with your thoughts!

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