I’m no pediatrician. Heck, I’m not even a human. But I am in the business of children. And this anti-vaccination stuff has gone too far.

My name’s Adam Boogeyman but in Middle English folklore (and on LinkedIn) I go by “The Boogeyman.” And truth be told, I think you should vaccinate your child against the flu.

I’ll be honest. When I first heard about this anti-vaccination movement I was on board. I figured it would mean more sick kids. And as The Boogeyman, I was naturally supportive of anything that unnecessarily made things difficult on children. But in retrospect, I now realize it’s bad for business.

Do you know what happens when you don’t vaccinate your child? You put them at risk of contracting things like the flu. And when they get the flu, guess where they could end up? That’s right, the hospital bed. A.K.A. not their own bed, which is evidently my place of business. That’s where I network with new clients and by “new clients” I mean “small children” and by “network with” I, of course, mean “scare the bejeezus out of.” What’s the point of me expending all this energy into putting on my dress cloak, locating a family home to scare, and waiting under a bed, if when I crawl out to scare the kid, they’re not even in there? I have allergies okay? I can’t just be lying underneath a dust-ridden racecar bed for hours on end with no payoff.

What? Do you actually expect me to scare them from under a hospital bed? Firstly, ew. I’ve heard hospital beds are gross. Just because I’m an ageless entity spawned from human fear itself, doesn’t mean I don’t have hygienic standards. Secondly, do you know how beefed up hospital security is these days? There’s no way I’m getting in. What am I supposed to say at the visitor check-in? “Hi, I’m here to see Timmy in the east wing. Oh? These one thousand tormented souls protruding from my hulking shadowy chest? Don’t mind them, they’re just for ugly sweater party later.”

Listen, I don’t mean to denigrate anti-vaxxers. At the end of the day, they’re just concerned parents. But these stories being spread are straight up false and unjustifiably freak people out. Sort of like the myth that I eat children. Ew, like why would I even do that? You don’t even want to know the PR nightmare that was. That’s so gross. I scare children. That’s it.

Misinformation for example, that autism is linked to vaccines. The original report asserting this correlation was later disproved, so this should be one of those things people maybe thought was real in the past, but don’t anymore. Sort of like the Tooth Fairy (not like me though, I’m hundred percent real).

Another myth that’s just as fictitious as Santa Claus (but not me) is that you can get the flu from the vaccine. Not possible. One version of the vaccine uses a flu virus that’s as dead as my soul, so it can’t harm you. The other vaccine uses only a single part of the virus, specifically a single gene, which isn’t virulent. It’s like being scared of Freddy Krueger’s appendix. What is heck is his appendix going to do to you? Nothing. It’s just an appendix.

Yes, there can be some initial side effects after the shot, like a rash or aches. But they self-resolve within a few days. It’s nothing compared to actually getting the flu itself or experiencing human love, which I hear is far worse.

Listen, it’s hard enough already, trying to traumatize these Gen Z children who are more scared of their iPads dying than an extra-dimensional being made of terror. For real though, last week I plunged a kid into an illusion of a poltergeist exorcism. No reaction. Zilch. Eventually I conjured an illusion of his phone carrier being switched from AT&T to MetroPCS. The kid almost went catatonic.

Anyways, my point is that giving your kid the flu shot is a win-win for everyone. Your kid stays out of harm (except from me) and it makes my enterprise run more smoothly. In the end parent, you and I aren’t that different. I fill them now with anxiety and panic through my nightmares, and you fill them later with anxiety and panic, through your dreams for them.

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