Dear Recruiter,

I am excited at the prospect of working as a publicity assistant at your media company. For the past two summers I interned at Buzzed Media LLC, an entertainment company founded by my mom’s stepbrother.

This position allowed me to hone my organizational skills given that I was tasked with various administrative responsibilities such as scheduling meetings, filing documents, making travel arrangements, and emptying out the used Nespresso pods from the Nespresso machine. I know these skills will come in handy at your company given that keen attention to detale is a major boon in this position

All the best,
Unqualified


Dear Recruiter,

Not only would it be a dream come true to serve as an agent’s assistant at [redacted], but I believe that I would be an asset to your team as I am a hard worker with a passion for the industry.

I have exceptional organizational and administrative skills, talents I’ve honed while working at [redacted], an entertainment company where I interned in the summer and held the title of “copy bitch” throughout. Although, for what seemed like an admittedly narrow role, after demonstrating my competency to my superiors, I was granted dynamic new responsibilities. As the summer went on my boss trusted me enough to get coffee and sometimes even pick up an occasional muffin. In addition, I became well-versed in Excel. However, please do not question me on this or test my ability when it comes to Excel, something I know the ins and outs of like none other.

Yours truly,
Résumé Fudger


Dear Recruiter,

I am excited at the prospect of working as a trade management editorial assistant. I’m a fast learner and I’m not afraid to ask questions. For instance, what exactly is trade management editorial? How does it differ from plain ole’ editorial? My cursory scan of Google hasn’t given me a solid answer. I may never know, and I’m starting to let myself lean into the discomfort of not knowing. In the wise words of a mug I once saw in my aunt’s kitchen: “nevertheless, she persisted.”

I am a strong writer and copy editor and I know I would bring a lot to the role. In college I served as a writing tutor for fellow undergrads. These sessions could prove quite dull at times. If I can be quite frank, I would zone out, often thinking of the all-consuming crush I had on my Anthropology professor, Dr. Goldberg. These fantasies were elaborate, at times whimsical, and at other points, profoundly erotic. One particularly inspired daydream involved several magician’s scarves (but that’s between me and my God).

I have a deep and abiding love of literature and storytelling, a passion that seems to have set me up for a lot of professional dead ends. In college, everyone always joked that the Humanities were a mainline to unemployment. You know, I almost majored in art history instead of British literature. It’s amusing to think if I had done so I could be even more unemployed than I currently am! Ah, dear recruiter… we do have fun.

All the best,

Still Searching


Dear Recruiter,

I’m extremely interested in serving as a junior copywriter at Shite Shoes, a dynamic company with an impressive global reach. What drives me to work in sales? Therein lies the rub. I’ll level with you, Recruiter, I fancied myself a bit of a ‘radical’ back in college: I wrote my senior thesis on how Jenny Holzer’s work serves as a postmodern critique on Das Kapital. I didn’t wear a bra for all of 2016. I made my own milk out of hemp. But, like all things, college ends. The days of dismantling the master’s house while eating copious amonunts of fro-yo from the cafeteria are long gone. Now I have to find a way to pay off the debt of my four year flirtation with socialism.

So what does that look like on the ground? It means getting a hack job and convincing people to buy shoes they don’t need. Life is full of these elegant ironies. As is your paradoxical “day-to-night” Velcro shoe.

I know my experience in devising innovative digital content will serve me well as a junior copywriter. In fact, I have a significant amount of sales experience. I began selling my soul this summer when I worked as a freelance social media consultant for a juice press startup. While there, I was asked to make tough decisions, namely: deciding if $8 bottles of juice looked more appealing when shot from above or in full.

I have my finger on the pulse of the digital world. If given the opportunity to serve as a junior copywriter on your team, I will work diligently, creatively, and spend a lot of time scrolling through Instagram in the second stall of the women’s bathroom. I’ll really do anything if it means I can move out of my parent’s apartment. I hope you will consider me for the position.

All the best,
Hoping there’s more to life than this


Dear Recruiter,

I’m excited at the prospect of working as an envelope licker at your law firm, an opportunity that would allow me to further hone my clerical skills.

I feel well prepared for the physical demands of this position. In my time spent working at [redacted], I folded dozens of t-shirts in a rather sizable supply closet. This humble space doubled as a lactation room for the only other woman on staff, Karen from HR, who had recently given birth to twins. Once, when my boss came looking to put in the request for his afternoon coffee, he took one look at me and another at Karen’s breast pump, and backed away awkwardly. I was too embarrassed after that to ask for a reference so please don’t follow up with him.

Sincerely,
Getting Desperate


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