I put up with a lot of shit for my tetanus-induced lockjaw. Everyone acts like it’s perfectly normal to smile, or chew food. But it’s not. It’s not my fault that I pierced my own tongue with a recycled hypodermic needle after drinking a fifth of Popov vodka and the tea leaves that I draped over the wound apparently did nothing (fuck you, Earl Grey).

No, the fault lies 460 million years ago, when the placoderms developed their opposing jaw hinge,

That’s why, as of today, I have founded the OLA (Ostracoderms Live Again), and we have filed an injunction against all placoderms for forcing their jaw hinge on all of us without asking for our permission first.

I mean, did anyone ever stop the placoderms and ask if their opposing jaws were for everyone? What if I didn’t want my anterior gill support arches to acquire a new role pumping water over the gills by opening and closing the mouth? Dare to be different, that’s what my osteostraci ancestors did. I stand with them. I didn’t want my pharyngeal arches to develop and like them, I now resist.

Don’t even get me started on tetrapods, fusing together the premaxilla, maxilla, jugal, quadratojugal, and quadrate, as well as the dentary, splenial, angular, surangular, and articular. Great idea, idiots. Who are you to tell me I can’t have any cranial kinesis?

Every time I see a Dunkleosteus hung at a museum like a paragon of virtue, I see hatred. I see a false prophet.

Do you realize what we lost when placoderms drove the ostracoderms into extinction? We lost our ability to use our muscular pharynx to create a suction that could pull small and slow-moving prey into our mouths. Imagine how much better life could be. Think of all the cool things that we missed out on if we had straws for mouths.

As President of OLA, I will require all members to adopt a psychosomatic temporomandibular joint disorder. It’s pretty easy. If you can’t manage it, though, I’ve squeezed some tetanus into an IV pouch and can inject it directly into your veins. Or, if you’re not into needles as much as I am, you can drink it like a juice pouch. I’d recommend mixing it with some water and Crystal Light, though. It has a bit of a metallic before-during-and-aftertaste.


Also, exciting news! Our first organized “Lockjaw Laydown” is scheduled for this Thursday outside of the Outback Steakhouse in Akron, Ohio. Meet me on the front lawn. I’ll be the one eating a vanilla swirl pudding cup through a crazy straw, which is the spirit mouth of my osteostraci soul. We will lay in harmony with all the ostracoderms that were driven into extinction because they stood up for free will and locked jaws. You didn’t die in vain.